Friday's Girl

A centuries-old mystery has crossed my path again ... I mentioned in a recent article that there was a dispute in many academic quarters regarding the actual Viking deity being honored by the name, 'Friday.' The cold, hard fact is that unless someone unearths a runic stone that confirms the issue --- and that's not likely --- only a preponderance of circumstantial evidence is going to carry the day in any such debate. So, while others while away their time contemplating world peace, I've returned to the search for Friday's inspiration. If you'll recall, four of the seven days of the week are named after Norse gods: - Tuesday is for Tyr, the god of truth and war, - Wednesday is for Odin, the Allfather of Viking gods, - Thursday is for Thor, the god of thunder, - Friday, however is cloaked in ambiguity. I'd always heard the day's name-origin came from Frigg, Odin's elder wife --- he had more than one --- and this is supported by the most scholarly of English references, such as the Oxford dictionary. Others say it was for either Frey or Freja, who were brother and sister in the Vanir clan. Frey was the god of fertility, so it was considered essential to keep him happy; Freja was the goddess of love and beauty, so it didn't hurt to keep on her good side, either. Frigg's duties were to be the goddess of the sky. It was a subtle job, but someone had to do it. Turning to cyberspace for resolution, I happened on an excellent guide in Norse matters, The Viking Answer Lady. She is so meticulous in her material that I felt the possibility of her bringing light to the issue was quite good. So, I contacted her. To say she did her research is an understatement. Here's her reply to me: "Since Western Europe all originally derived from Indo-European tribes, we find that there were a lot of correspondences between the various branches --- not exact, one-for-one identity, but concepts are clearly related. So it's no real surprise to find that the naming and symbolism of the days of the week, and the number of days in a week, might be pretty much the same in all the descendants of the Indo-Europeans. "You can see the day-name correspondences in other languages that descend from Indo-European: "Ancient Greek has: hemera selenes (moon day), hemera Areos (Ares' day), hemera Hermu (Hermes' day), hemera Dios (Zeus' day), hemera Aphrodites (Aphrodite's day), hemera Khronu (Chronos' day), hemera heliou (sun day) "Latin: Lunae dies (Moon-day, Monday), Martis dies (Mars-Day, Tuesday), Mercurii dies (Mercury's day, Wednesday), Jovis dies (Jove's day, Thursday), Veneris dies (Venus' day, Friday), Saturni dies (Saturn's day, Saturday) or alternatively Christian Sabbatum or Sabbati dies (Sabbath day), Solis dies (Sunday)or alternatively Christian Dominicus dies (Lord's day) "Unsurprisingly, the Romance languages clearly derive their day names from Latin, except for Portugese, which numbers the days: "Italian: lunedi, martedi, mercoledi, giovedi, venerdi, sabato, domenica "Spanish: lunes, martes, miércoles, jueves, viernes, sábado, domingo "French: lundi, mardi, mercredi, jeudi, vendredi, samedi, dimanche "Romanian: luni, marti, miercuri, joi, vineri, sîmbata, duminica "Portugese: Segunda-Feira (2nd day, Monday); Terça-Feira (3rd day, Tuesday); Quarta-Feira (4th day, Wednesday); Quinta-Feira (5th day, Thursday); Sexta-Feira (6th day, Friday); Sábado (Sabbath, Saturday); Domingo (Lord's Day, Sunday) "The Celtic languages have taken and preserved the Latin names of the days, and also borrowed heavily from Christian concepts: "Welsh: Dydd Llun (moon/Luna day), Dydd Mawrth (Mars' day), Dydd Mercher (Mercury's day), Dydd Iau (Jove's day), Dydd Gwener (Venus's day), Dydd Sadwrn (Saturn's day), Dydd Sul (sun day) "Gaelic: Di-luain (moon day); Di-máirt (Mars's day); Di-ciaduinn or Di-ciadaoin (day of the first fast of the week - Friday being the second fast); Diardaoin (the day between the two fasts of Wednesday and Friday); Di-haoine or Dia-aoine (day of the fast) Di-sathuirn (Saturn day); Di-dómhnuich (Lord's day) "Irish: Dé Luan (moon/Luna day); Dé Mairt (Mars' day); Dé Céadaoin (day of the first fast of the week); Déardaoin; Dé h-Aoine (the day between the two fasts of Wednesday and Friday); Dé Sathairn (Saturn's day); Dé Domhnaigh (Lord's day) "The Germanic languages, however, are also related. Ares/Mars was equated with Týr as a warrior god. Zeus/Jupiter was equated with Thórr as the god who hurled lightnings. Mercury was equated with Óðinn, since both had a role as psychompomps, the one who leads the dead to their afterlife. Aphrodite/Venus was equated with Frigga and Freyja. "German: Montag (moon day), Dienstag (Týr's day), Mittwoch (Mid-week), Donnerstag (Donner's/Thórr's day), Freitag (Freyja/Frigga's day), Samstag (derived ultimately from Latin Sabbatum), Sonntag (sun day) "Dutch: maandag (moon day), dinsdag, woensdag (Woden's/Óðinn's day), donderda (Donner's/Thórr's day), vrijdag (Freyja/Frigga's day), zaterdag (Saturn day), zondag (sun day) "Norwegian and Danish: mandag (moon day), tirsdag (Týr's day), onsdag (Óðinn's day), torsdag (Thórr's day), fredag (Freyja's/Frigga's day), lørdag (washing day), søndag (sun day) "Swedish: måndag (moon day), tisdag (Týr's day), onsdag (Óðinn's day), torsdag (Thrr's day), fredag (Freyja/Frigga's day), lördag (wash day), söndag (sun day) "Old English: mondæg or monandæg (moon day); tiwesdæg (Tiw's day, Týr's day); wodnesdæg (Wotan's/Óðinn's day); thunresdæg (Thórr's day); frigedæg (Frigga's/Freya's day); sæterdæg or sæternesdæg (Saturn's day); sunnandæg (sun day) "Middle English: monday, moneday, or monenday (moon day); tiwesday or tewesday (Tiw's day, Týr's day); wodnesday, wednesday, or wednesdai (Wotan's/Óðinn's day); thursday or thuresday (Thórr's day); fridai (Frigga's/Freya's day); saterday (Saturn's day); soneday, sonenday, sunday, sunnenday (sun day) "North Frisian: monnendei (moon-day); Tirsdei (Týr's-day); Winsdei (Wotan's/Óðinn's day); Türsdei (Thórr's day); Fridei (Frigga's/Freyja's day); sennin (sun-evening); sennedei (sun day) "Etymologically, it's impossible to tell for certain whether the 'Friday' words derive from Frigga or Freyja (at least so I am told, I am not a philologist or linguistics expert). We can tell by the cognates that the name is from a goddess equated with Venus and Aphrodite. "We get into further problems in that 'Freyja' is derived from roots meaning simply 'lady' while 'Frigga' comes from roots related to 'beloved.' There have been several scholars who insist that Frigga and Freyja are just different titles for the same goddess. "None the less, undoubtedly 'Friday' comes from the name of one of these two goddeses, and not from the name of the god Freyr." Now, that's the sort of studied thoroughness that can achieve Master's degrees. It's a preponderance of evidence that can carry the day in a court of law. Even though she only eliminated one of the three contenders to the title of Friday's Namesake, the Viking Answer Lady has gone above and beyond the call of duty to provide me with the information I requested. I'm sure glad I didn't tell her I was just trying to win a bar bet.

Eternal Wit

Whoever said, "You can't take it with you" was obviously not referring to a sense of humor ... Here is a list of actual epitaphs from departed souls who clearly had more to say than the time to say it, or from their next of kin, who wanted to be sure they literally had the last word: On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia: Here lies Ezekial Aikle Age 102 The Good Die Young. In a London, England cemetery: Ann Mann Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767 In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace The children of Israel wanted bread And the Lord sent them manna, Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna. Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery: Here lies Johnny Yeast Pardon me For not rising. Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery: Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake. In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery: Here lays Butch, We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, But slow on the draw. A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery: Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes who died January 3, 1803 His comely young widow, aged 23, has many qualifications of a good wife, and yearns to be comforted. A lawyer's epitaph in England: Sir John Strange Here lies an honest lawyer, And that is Strange. Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont: I was somebody. Who, is no business Of yours. Lester Moore was a Wells Fargo station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona: Here lies Lester Moore Four slugs from a .44 No Les No More. In a Georgia cemetery: "I told you I was sick!" John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery: Reader if cash thou art In want of any Dig 4 feet deep And thou wilt find a Penny. On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia: She always said her feet were killing her but nobody believed her. In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England: On the 22nd of June - Jonathan Fiddle - Went out of tune. Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie: Here lies the body of our Anna Done to death by a banana It wasn't the fruit that laid her low But the skin of the thing that made her go. Here's more fun with names, this time featuring Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England: Gone away Owin' more Than he could pay. Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr Wood: In Memory of Beza Wood Departed this life Nov. 2, 1837 Aged 45 yrs. Here lies one Wood Enclosed in wood One Wood Within another. The outer wood Is very good: We cannot praise The other. On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts: Under the sod and under the trees Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod: Pease shelled out and went to God. The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip: Who was fatally burned March 21, 1870 by the explosion of a lamp filled with "R.E. Danforth's Non-Explosive Burning Fluid" Here's Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903--Died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was. In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery: Here lies an Atheist All dressed up And no place to go. But does he make house calls? Dr Fred Roberts, Brookland, Arkansas: Office now upstairs Let's hope.

Misspelled Scriptures

One way to confirm that cyberspace is the great equalizer is to observe the quality of editing that exists ... I am truly amazed at the mangling endured by the English language on a significant number of sites. It's fair to assume that this malady has its roots in short attention spans during the school years. As a result, accuracy is often the first victim of poor spelling and grammar. Still, if we're going to cite examples of this averral, let's do it with a touch of humor. Here are some responses by younger students from a secular school when asked to expound on various teachings of the Bible. Their words are unedited: "In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off." "Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree." "Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark." "Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears." "Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night." "The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unwympathetic Genitals." "Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah." "Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles." "Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients." "The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments." "The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple." "The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery." "Moses died before he ever reached Canada." "Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol." "The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him." "David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Bibical times." "Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta." "When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption." "St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head." "Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you." "He also explained, 'a man doth not live by sweat alone.'" "It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance." "The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels." "The epistles were the wives of the apostles." "One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan." "St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage." Now, while we pause for a moment to wonder which of these authors will be filling our prescriptions and writing our wills when they reach adulthood, let's also consider that some of them could have a great future in punditry. Here's a likely candidate: "A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony." Ba-da-boom ... or however a rimshot is spelled.