The Sopranos (Season 5) DVD Review

The Sopranos centers around the life of Tony Soprano (James Gandolfini), a middle-aged father of two, husband, and successful businessman. But unlike most sitcom families, Tony is constantly irritated by his children, Meadow and Anthony (Jamie Lynn Sigler and Robert Iler). Furthermore, he regularly cheats on his wife Carmela (Edie Falco), and to top it off, he’s the head of a mafia crime organization. The constant confusion and stress in Tony’s life pushes him to seek out a therapist, Dr. Jennifer Melfi (Lorraine Bracco), so he can unload his problems. Following a the outline of a traditional prime time soap opera, The Sopranos shies away from the glorification of the mobster lifestyle and paints a picture of a world not much different than that of the average middle-class family…

The Sopranos (Season 5) DVD offers a number of dramatic episodes including the season premiere “Two Tonys” in which Tony makes a play for Dr. Melfi following his recent separation from Carmela, but Carmela calls on Tony for help in fending off a bear that keeps returning to their house. Meanwhile, Christopher gets in an argument with Paulie when he realizes he’s always stuck paying for dinner… Other notable episodes from Season 5 include “All Happy Families…” in which Tony and Carmela fight over A.J.’s behavior while Carmela becomes interested in A.J.’s school guidance counselor, and “Marco Polo” in which Tony and Carmela reunite (at least for one evening) after she invites Tony to her father’s birthday party…

Below is a list of episodes included on the Sopranos (Season 5) DVD:

Episode 53 (Two Tonys) Air Date: 03-07-2004
Episode 54 (Rat Pack) Air Date: 03-14-2004
Episode 55 (Where’s Johnny?) Air Date: 03-21-2004
Episode 56 (All Happy Families…) Air Date: 03-28-2004
Episode 57 (Irregular Around the Margins) Air Date: 04-04-2004
Episode 58 (Sentimental Education) Air Date: 04-11-2004
Episode 59 (In Camelot) Air Date: 04-18-2004
Episode 60 (Marco Polo) Air Date: 04-25-2004
Episode 61 (Unidentified Black Male) Air Date: 05-02-2004
Episode 62 (Cold Cuts) Air Date: 05-09-2004
Episode 63 (The Test Dream) Air Date: 05-16-2004
Episode 64 (Long Term Parking) Air Date: 05-23-2004
Episode 65 (All Due Respect) Air Date: 06-06-2004

The Sopranos (Season 4) DVD Review

Recipient of numerous awards and critical acclaim, The Sopranos has solidified itself as one of the best shows of the past decade. A sitcom family version of The Godfather, although not to be confused with family-friendly programming, the show provides a fresh glimpse of the vast underworld of organized crime. Putting a middle-class family twist on the mafia lifestyle, it creates a seduction world that it is simultaneously easier to relate to for most viewers. James Gandolfini plays the role of Tony Soprano, loving husband and father of two. He also happens to be an organized crime boss. But the glamour life portrayed in the movies isn’t the one enjoyed by Tony. He grapples not only with the high stress of his job, but out-of-control kids, a strained relationship with his wife, and a growing bout of depression. Seeing a therapist on a regular basis, the show follows his day-to-day exploits…

The Sopranos (Season 4) DVD offers a number of hilarious episodes including the season premiere “For All Debts Public and Private” in which Tony and Carmela deal with the strain on their household finances in the midst of a recession, and Adrianna brings a friend of great interest to the Soprano family dinner. Meanwhile, Tony creates a special bond with Christopher when he gives his blessing for Christopher to avenge his father’s murder… Other notable episodes from Season 4 include “No Show” in which Meadow has a fallout with Tony and Carmela when she decides to drop out of college and travel the European continent, and “Pie-O-My” in which Tony develops a deep interest in Ralphie’s new race horse, prompting him to spend more time away from home than Carmela likes…

Below is a list of episodes included on the Sopranos (Season 4) DVD:

Episode 40 (For All Debts Public and Private) Air Date: 09-15-2002
Episode 41 (No Show) Air Date: 09-22-2002
Episode 42 (Christopher) Air Date: 09-29-2002
Episode 43 (The Weight) Air Date: 10-06-2002
Episode 44 (Pie-O-My) Air Date: 10-13-2002
Episode 45 (Everybody Hurts) Air Date: 10-20-2002
Episode 46 (Watching Too Much Television) Air Date: 10-27-2002
Episode 47 (Mergers & Acquisitions) Air Date: 11-03-2002
Episode 48 (Whoever Did This) Air Date: 11-10-2002
Episode 49 (The Strong, Silent Type) Air Date: 11-17-2002
Episode 50 (Calling All Cars) Air Date: 11-24-2002
Episode 51 (Eloise) Air Date: 12-01-2002
Episode 52 (Whitecaps) Air Date: 12-08-2002

How To Be A Modern-Day Fictional Heroine

It used to be so easy. All you needed was a thick mane of tousled auburn locks, high cheekbones and a determined little chin; add an ounce of determination and an event from your past that haunts you still. Then, wham! You were the perfect fictional heroine. But now it’s not so simple. With television shows like Grey’s Anatomy and Ally McBeal, books like Bridget Jones’s Diary and Good in Bed, and movies like Miss Congeniality and Legally Blonde, we’re getting all sorts of mixed messages over how the ideal woman is supposed to be. What’s a modern girl who wants to hold herself up to impossible standards to do? Simple! Just follow these guidelines, and you’ll be as witty, complex and neurotic as the rest of them. In other words – you will be the perfect, modern-day fictional heroine. Step 1 – Be Flawed This step is super easy, because come on, we’re all already flawed anyway, right? Right! Except for one little catch. It is necessary to adopt the correct flaws, and these three are non-negotiable. 1.)You must be self-involved. This includes comparing your own petty personal problems to things like death, war, and injustice, and finding some sort of unique parallel no matter what the situation may be. It also includes having a constant inner dialogue with yourself where you point out these parallels with witty commentary. For example: “Even the news reminded me of him. Yesterday I saw this report that said routine circumcision in Africa could prevent 300,000 deaths in the next ten years. What a shocker! Chopping away at a guy’s penis could help eliminate pain, loss, and heart-ache. What will they think of next?” 2.)You must have issues with food. If you plan to be a television or movie heroine, this means that you cannot eat. Period. If you plan to be a book heroine, this means that you must eat all the time, except when you’re not eating, and then you should be thinking about eating. I strongly recommend the second option. 3.)You must become preoccupied with an unhealthy relationship. This includes but is not limited to, relationships with boyfriends, friends, mothers, fathers, roommates, and exes. Especially exes.(And make sure that your ex is dreamy, preferably with a new girlfriend who is in no way as good for him as you were.) Step 2 – Practice Retail Therapy Today’s modern day fictional heroine realizes one fundamental truth – that there is no problem too big or too small that cannot be remedied with shopping. Again, there is a catch; you need to be careful of what you go shopping for. Hard and fast rule – anything that’s practical or cheap is out. Other than that, I have provided you a list of approved shopping items, with the most highly recommended items on top, and continued in descending order: •Designer shoes •Designer beauty products •Designer chocolate •Designer purses •Designer lingerie •Anything else designer •Clothes (This is listed as the very last option because although clothes shopping can be a lot of fun, if you happen to have gone up a size, the blow to your ego will be so enormous that it will negate the therapeutic aspect of said retail therapy.) Step 3 – Have a purpose, deeply question it, then either accept it or abandon it to find a new purpose. Rather than go into unnecessary detail, I have created a handy-dandy chart. Just pick an option from each column and you’ll be good to go. Column A 1.You’re a (lawyer, publisher, or banker) and you love the power and money. 2.You’re a (doctor, policewoman, or writer) and you love changing lives. 3.You’re a stay-at-home mom and you love your family. 4.You’re all of the above, and you’ve never been so fulfilled! Column B 1.It’s all getting to be too much and nobody understands you. 2.None of it means anything anymore and nobody understands you. 3.You wish you could have some time for yourself, and why doesn’t anyone understand you? 4.Is this really what you set out to do? You did major in art history after all. Column C 1. After meeting the right guy, you decide to chuck it all and live overseas. 2. After falling back in love with the guy you’ve been with for years, you decide to start your own home-based greeting card company. 3. After realizing that the nerdy guy is actually the one for you, you return to your career with a new sense of purpose. 4. Who needs health insurance anyway? You decide to take some time off just to focus on you. Conclusion: So you see; it’s really not that hard for truth to imitate fiction. Gone are the days of walking moors, wearing corsets, and dying of consumption. Nowadays all you need is a little attitude thrown in with a barely noticeable social complex. So get your credit cards ready, preheat the oven for those brownies, and start living your life as if everyone can (and wants to) hear what you have to say. A new age has arrived!

Just Say No To Sex

(Extended spoof, presented In 10 installments of 4 pages each. This is the second installment; previous ones are included on this site, in case you miss one.) "They all seem impressively genuine in their intentions," Dr. Coburn replied. "As young people are prone to do, they actually want to do their part to help save the world – and now they see a practical way to proceed.” “We shall see. But, even if you are able to inculcate your linguistic nonsense, how long do you expect they'll abstain before their fulminating libidos overwhelm your flimsy barricades?” “Until they are comfortably and safely married. I also assume that the most diligent students will continue to maintain a commendable degree of procreative moderation in wedlock.” “Please, they’d all be much safer simply using condoms.” “Condoms? Oh, don't even mention the word. How unnatural, how risky, how–“ “– About waiting for time to reveal the answer?” she interrupted, and then, sighing, said, “Dear me, the greatest liability a bright person can have today is the lack of a solid scientific background. Your well-intentioned mind simply does not have the knowledge required to innovate credibly in the field you have chosen. It is infested with so many cobwebs you simply can’t extricate yourself from them.” “Cobwebs to you, Prissy. Compassionate conservatism to me!” “Yes, out with the new, in with the old! Let us champion antiquated ideas, trotted out as innovations. Luddites of the world, unite!” “I admit it proudly! Antiquated ideas are my favorite kind. They have withstood the test of time and, therefore, their merit is self-evident.” Then he leaned forward and issued, what was to her, a particularly disheartening admonition. “Prepare yourself, Priscilla. The worldwide adoption of my method will actually make the need for your misguided educational programs and medical research superfluous.” “Doctor Coburn, you are – in the field in which you are dabbling – a most ignorant, insensitive, and dangerous man.” “Ignorant! Insensitive! And dangerous? Ah, now I know well the ridicule innovators have had to deal with from time immemorial. I can, at this juncture, even sympathize with the early plight of my arch-nemesis, Freud. What courage he had to persist against the Victorian tide. I shall borrow a page from him, however, not in terms of his erroneous unearthing of the sex drive, but in admirable doggedness.” “Please, don’t confound yourself with Freud. Your approach is not only unrealistic; it’s the most cockamamie – “ “– Dr. Ernst, if you please. One of my all-time least favorite words is ‘cockamamie.’ What a regrettable morass of mortifying associations.” “Excuse me, Richard. Sometimes your prudery is revelatory. I shall simply call it runaway ignorance.” “I think I have now endured enough of the slings of professional jealousy. Do you think I don’t know the medical school is beside itself because this historic advance in sexual behavior-modification has come from the sociology department?” “Not at all, Doctor. The truth, like it or not, is that at the medical school we must be entirely realistic every moment. Lives depend on the pragmatic orderliness of our procedures. Above all, we know we must deal with humanity as we find it – fragile and excitable humanity. We also know that at this particular time in history, due to the plethora of unwanted pregnancies, burgeoning overpopulation, and widespread STDs, Mother Nature has us, like it or not, by the balls!” “Shame on you, Priscilla! What language – and for a woman of your distinction.” “Oh, fiddlesticks! Would you be happier if I said it has us by the ovaries?” “Don’t make light of the dire situation we find ourselves in. You have forgotten one very important aspect of my method. It is a new reality, not a method of contraception that has proved inadequate to our overheated desires or the gleam in a frantic researcher’s eye. No, no, mine is a pragmatic approach that is available for immediate implementation.” “Oh, Dickie – “ “– Priscilla, please. You know how I feel about that alternate appellation.” “Yes, dear,” she replied with a trace of sympathy. “Sorry.” “About what?” “Calling you ‘dear.’” “Oh. I didn’t notice.” “Of course,” she said, resigning herself to his hurtful indifference and moving forward with her argument. “But somewhere beneath your self-assured surface, certainly you suspect the eternal inclinations of man and woman. How can you possibly think that your so-called method can moderate the tidal wave of sexual desire that sweeps through the world at every moment? How can it restrain the young, whose entire physical being throbs with sexual eagerness? Or the poor, who have precious few other pleasures? Or the wealthy, who perpetually court indulgence?” “My dear Dr. Ernst, what you obviously fail to understand is that I don't merely ask people just to say no to sex. I provide, in a series of one hundred compelling and self-evidently true axioms the resources the human will requires to be victorious – axioms that will one day no doubt be viewed as the Euclidean geometry of sexual resistance.” “Sorry, I remain unimpressed.” “Why? Because you’ve been dethroned. While you and your realistic colleagues have trusted to sexual propriety in the heat of desire and the far horizon of medical research, I have had the insight to see the gold at my feet.” “Fool's gold, I'm afraid!” “On the contrary, a solid gold chain every link of which consists of irrefutable logic – a step-by-step approach in which every statement follows the other as relentlessly as one moment follows its antecedent! Take, for example, Coburn's First Axiom of Abstinence. I dare you to find a flaw in it,” he challenged, and took the book from the coffee table. He opened it and held it toward her, as he recited, ‘Sex leads to pregnancy. Pregnancy leads to overpopulation. Therefore, sex must be avoided.’ Argue with that, if you dare!” “Richard, the argument is not with your self-evident nonsense but with your hopes for compliance. How on earth do you expect such a flimsy train of premises and conclusions to compel the world’s billions to adhere to sexual abstinence?” “Mock me if you must, Priscilla! Nevertheless, my hopes are being confirmed as more and more conscientious students sign up for my truly enlightened method.” “To learn what? To say no to sex, despite every natural proclivity and temptation, say no despite drunkenness or drugs? Sorry, Richard. I much prefer condoms to Coburn.” “Oh, Dr. Ernst, the effrontery even to mention my name in apposition to that sine qua non of imperfect prophylaxis.” At that moment, the doorbell rang. Doctor Coburn looked at his watch. “Ah, ha,” he announced, “that must be my new star applicant, Dan Fox.” “Fox? He wants to sign up?” “Correct. He called to apply right before you arrived. Naturally, I invited him to come over right away, lest the legendary stud have second thoughts.” “I can't believe his interest is at all genuine.” “Then it’s a fine fortuity that he has arrived while you’re still here.” “If by some chance you are able to exert even modest restraints on him, how many young girls’ hopes you’ll shatter. It’s preposterous to think you can control him, given the number of girls who’d tear their own clothes off to hop into the sack with him.” Just then Melanie entered the room, and said, “Didn't I hear the doorbell ring?” “Yes, dear. I think it's Dan Fox.” Melanie seemed unusually upset. “Dan Fox? What's he doing here?” “He wants to enroll in my course.” “Daddy, come on. He's the last guy in the world –“ “– Now, now, Mel, don’t prejudge him.” He noticed her hesitation. “Please, just get the door.” “Sure,” she consented, with a bit of teeth grinding. He stood proudly while Melanie walked there. She took a deep breath and pulled it open. “What are you doing here?” she asked the handsome athlete. “Hi, Melanie,” he replied. “I want to sign up for you dad’s course.” “Sure, you do,” she said, indicating she suspected him of harboring an unspoken motive. “Let him in, Mel,” Doctor Coburn called. “All right,” she agreed, and stood aside. “Thanks,” he told her. “Dan, my boy, come right in,” Coburn called. “Thank you!” he replied, with as much transparent enthusiasm as he could muster. Melanie closed the door and observed as her father put out his hand. “Welcome, Fox.” “Glad to be here,” he said, glancing at the skeptical observer beside his new-found mentor. “You know Dr. Ernst?” Coburn asked. “Yes, I do,” Dan said. “Hi, Dr. Ernst.” “Hello, Mr. Fox,” she replied distantly. “I'm delighted you made the big decision to study with me, Dan,” Dr. Coburn said. “Thanks,” he replied. “I'm convinced it's the responsible thing to do – I mean, with all the problems sex can cause.” “Good, Dan!” Dr. Coburn exclaimed. “I see that, besides brawn, you've got brains.” “Thank you, sir. My ideal is, like the ancient Greeks said, ‘a sound mind in a sound body.’” “In a very sound body,” Dr. Ernst commented. “The girls tell me you're quite irresistible.” “Thanks. But it’s not my fault. I was born this way.” “But you can rise above it, I assure you,” Dr. Coburn advised him. “That’s my goal,” Dan said. “I need to save my energy for football.” “Tell me, Dan,” Dr. Ernst inquired, “what makes you believe Doctor Coburn’s method can work for you? Have you read his new book?” “Not yet,” Dan admitted, “but I've heard a lot about it. From what I can tell, it appeals to the mind – and I like that. Mind over body – the same thing you need in the fourth quarter when you're behind and you have to do a lot more than you think you can.” Dr. Coburn turned to Dr. Ernst, and told her, “I have great faith in this young man.” Then he eyed Dan critically. “My hope is that you’ll become one of my star pupils.” Somehow, this comment cut Melanie to the quick, and she said, “Dad, I need to speak with you.” “Later, dear. In the meantime, please, escort Mr. Fox to my study and get him signed up.” She looked at Dan with condescension. “I cannot believe this! Come on.” “Thanks, Melanie,” he said, and followed her. “What do you think?” Dr. Coburn asked. “Me? Oh, I also have great faith in him,” she replied wryly. “Did you notice the way he looked at your daughter?” “No, I didn’t. It all seemed rather usual to me.” “Really?” she asked. “And why do you think Melanie seemed so uneasy? Could she by any chance be infatuated with him?” “Mel? Oh, please, she’s far too well trained for such an indiscretion.” “Richard, sometimes you are a blind ass. Fox obviously has something on his mind other than learning how to say no to sex.” “You suspect he's only here because he’s interested in Melanie? Little Melanie, with all the voluptuous women who are at his beck and call?” “I have a proposition.” “You mean, a proposal?” “Whatever. You teach him your method as best you can. Then you arrange for him and Melanie to be alone for an evening.” “Alone?” “Yes, and Melanie must be given instructions that she is to try every wile she can manage to break down his willpower. If he maintains his indifference to her advances, I will leave you to proselytize as extensively as you can. On the other hand, if by some chance he cannot resist her charms and succumbs, you will admit defeat and cease to promulgate your method.” “But poor Melanie – to subject her to such an excruciating experience.” “Don’t tell me you suspect she might be in any sort of danger? Richard, if your method is half as good as you say it is, she’ll be faced with an insurmountable, and therefore an entirely risk-free, task.” “But to ask her to do something so contrary to her lifelong training–“ “Yes, but think of the possible benefits if you succeed with Dan. Your triumph will resonate throughout the campus. I’ll withdraw all my objections and recommend that the medical school withdraw its. Then you'll have a free hand on campus and on to the welcoming arms of a desperate world!” “Do you I have your word on that?” “Absolutely. Now, how long do you need to indoctrinate Mr. Fox?” “That depends on how much time he’s willing to give me. But in no event will I require more than one month.” “Then you've got a deal,” she said, and put out her hand. “Deal, Priscilla!” he affirmed, and gave her hand a hearty shake. “Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.” “My pleasure, Richard.” “Don’t forget your gift,” he told her, and picked up the autographed copy of his book from the coffee table. She accepted it. As he walked her to the door, she said, “Good luck. You'll need it.” “Thank you, Priscilla,” he replied, “but not nearly as much luck as you’ll need.” She gave him a peck on the cheek, and his face flushed to a degree that slightly embarrassed him. “Till then,” she said, and went out the door. End of Second Installment

New Dracula Musical To Close, Except On Nights With Full Moon

Lestat, the new musical about vampires, if the mind can conceive of such an existent, having been sucked dry at the box office, is performing the most welcome service it has since its debut. It’s closing.

The notice did provide, however, for the show to remain open on nights that feature a full moon.

Marking the debut of Warner Brothers in the theater venue, where it had hoped to further lower unrealistic hopes for intellectual excellence on the boards, while making as much moola as Disney, the fiasco came back to haunt the company as a $12-million guzzle of red ink.

With music and lyrics by the long-time-no-inspiration duo of Elton John and Bernie Taupin, who somehow could bring themselves to attempt yet one more musicalization of the haunts of those absurd creatures, we can now consider the show almost dead.

By the way, it’s when observing the persistent life of such absurdities that we remind ourselves only creatures with an evolutionary basis and an elaborate biological support system do in fact exist and that, consequently, all the monsters who haunted us in our childhood were actually no more than phantasms of the some Hollywood creep's imagination, devised especially to haunt us out of the price of admission.

For single or for sfigati there is a virtual companion

How long are you single? From what you see a girl on your bed, if only to sleep? Well Drew Burrows evidently a long time, since he is the inventor of virtual girl. The only flaw is that it is not in three dimensions , but the benefits are there for all to see, change position ee close to you based on your movements, does not speak and remains faithful over time. La ragazza è visibile grazie ad un proiettore e reagisce alle vostre azioni tramite un sistema di sensori infrarosso .Sicuramente non si può paragonarla ad una bella ragazza in carne e ossa,ma diciamocelo,chi dopo una tremenda giornata di lavoro non vorrebbe raggomitolarsi con una dolce creatura? The girl is visible through a projector and reacts to your actions through a system of infrared sensors. Surely you can not compare to a beautiful girl in flesh and bones, but diciamocelo, who after a terrible day's work would not want raggomitolarsi with a sweet creature?

Just Say No To Sex; Dr. Coburn Shows You How!

(Extended spoof, presented In 10 installments of 4 pages each. This is the sixth installment; previous ones are presented on this site or below each new installment at NewsLaugh, in case you miss one or more.) "Good. You won’t be sorry. She knows the material very nearly as well as I do.” With that, he handed Dan the issue of Playboy, and said, “Review the material while I get her.” “Yes, doctor,” Dan replied, and accepted his assignment. He looked over the centerfold, while Dr. Coburn went to get his guest instructor. “I like this course!” Dan exclaimed to himself. Then, glancing around to make sure he was all alone, he took out his cell phone and made a call. In hushed tones, he said, “Hey, Eddie, baby, guess what?” And then he intentionally mispronounced the doctor’s name. “Today, ‘Cockburn’ is gonna have Melanie give me a private lesson .... I kid you not .... Come on, double or nothing. Fifty bucks says I make it with her .... Deal!... Well, maybe not today, but you can kiss your fifty smackers good-bye.” Just then Melanie tapped on the door. “Gotta go now,” he said, and concluded the conversation. He resumed looking over the magazine. When Melanie entered, he said, “Hi, there.” She noticed his intent involvement with the illusory ink and sarcastically inferred the frequent masculine result. “Studying hard?” “Very hard,” he replied, and then went past the inference to the dutiful nature of his activity. “Your dad gave me the assignment. Then he put the magazine aside, commenting, “Ah, the consolations of ‘mere ink.’” “Oh, this is such a joke!” she exclaimed. “I don’t know what you mean.” “Yeah, right. Who are you kidding, Dan? You could care less about how to say no to sex.” “You still think that, after I’ve taken lessons for two whole weeks?” “What else? The truth is, you're only here because you're like all the rest of the guys. You only want –“ “– What?” "Mexico." “Oh, you mean Texaco?” She gritted her teeth. “Tyrannosaurus Rex.” “Melanie, it can’t hurt just to say it. I think you mean sex?” “You would come right out with it. Of course, that's what I mean.” “Sorry, babes. Your dad said you're gonna give me a lesson?” “You should be so lucky.” “Melanie, you know you always listen to what he says. So let’s get going.” “This is so ridiculous!” she lamented. Then she relented. “All right, as long as you stay right where you are.” “On the couch?” “Yes.” “Are you going to sit beside me?” “No way. Don’t you even remember that much?” she asked, and quoted, “‘Closeness must be avoided.’” “You’re right. That axiom just slipped my mind for a moment.” “Well, then, don’t let it happen again, all right?” “You have my word.” “OK, are you ready?” “Ready,” he said, and shifted his body a bit. “I’m telling you, Dan, you stand up just once, and the lesson ends. Got it?” “Got it.” “All right. First, I need to see how far you’ve progressed. So we’ll review the materials. Let's start with axiom one,” she said, and could not help asking, “Do you even know that much?” “Sure, I do,” he replied, and recited, “’Sex leads to pregnancy. Pregnancy leads to overpopulation. Therefore, sex must be avoided.’ Well, what do you think?” “As if you believe it. What's axiom two?” "Hey, no problem, Mel. ‘Sex can lead to STDs. STDs can lead to death. Therefore, sex must be avoided." “And how much sex have you avoided lately?” “As much as possible.” “What does that mean? I want a number. How about during the last week? Come on, how many girls have you made love with in the last seven days?” “If you want to know the truth, I haven't touched a woman since I started to study with your dad,” he said as convincingly as he could manage. “What's wrong, don't you believe me?” “What’s the wild rumor going around campus about you and two oversexed cheerleaders?” “I don’t know how that got started.” “Is it true or not?” “Of course, it’s not true. Do you think I would do something like that, especially with what I’ve learned in the last week?” “I asked my dad if you told him about them.” “You did? What did he say?” “He said, ’Don’t be ridiculous.’ But I’m not sure what he meant. Sometimes, he has a hard time talking about certain things.” Then she cast a skeptical eye on him. “You must think my dad’s a real jerk.” “How can you possibly say that, after I’ve come here day after day to learn his method.” “And what do you think of me?” “I think you’re wonderful. A little reserved, but a wonderful woman.” “’A little reserved?’” she replied. “I know exactly what that really means. It’s code for what all the guys think: Melanie’s a jerk because she won’t do what other people like to do and do and do. Well, screw it. I don’t care. How’s that?” “Whatever you say, Melanie. You know as well as I do that you’re sort of the official campus virgin. And guess what. I think it's great that you're like that.” “Oh, sure, you do. Well, it’s not as easy as you think.” “It isn’t?” “No – with guys like you always hitting on me,” she said, and then softened her tone a bit. “After all, I’m only human.” Then, regretting her brief lapse into sentiment, she renewed her resolve. “Which makes me even prouder of my reluctance.” “Reluctance? Does that mean you may actually be willing at some point?” “That’s none of your business. What matters is that I don’t feel like a jerk at all. I feel proud of who I am. And, if you believe a single thing my father has taught you, you'd know why.” “I think I do, but tell me in your own words.” “Sure,” she said, and then went on as if reciting from her father’s teachings. “I’m proud because I know I am the natural remedy for overpopulation and the resultant ecological depredation, the heartbreak of abortion, the scourge of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases, as well as a moderating influence on the human race's historic obsession with, with–“ “– Come on, Mel, you can do it. What do you think of when I say Mexico, Texaco, and Tyrannosaurus Rex?” She continued to be trammeled with guilt, so he enumerated the letters of the word. “S-E-X. What does that spell?” “Sex,” she managed to utter. “Very good,” he told her. “Let’s go on. Now, why do people like sex?” “Because they’re terribly misguided.” “No, because it gives them pleasure.” “Pl-, pl-, pleasure!” “Excellent, Melanie! I see there’s hope.” “That’s enough,” she said. “I have to leave.” “But you’re supposed to give me a lesson,” he reminded her. “Then behave yourself, OK? I’m who I am, and I will always be this way. Got it?” “Yep. And I admire you for what you are.” “You are such a liar.” “You're wrong. In fact, my intention is to be as great an example of your dad's method as you are.” “I’ll believe it when I see it.” “How about this?” he told her. “I've been telling the rest of the guys on the football team about what I’m learning, and pretty soon the whole team is going to study with your dad.” She sat down beside him. “You’re kidding?” “No, I’m not. You just don’t know how devoted I am to this new way of thinking about sex. Imagine how much publicity that will create for your dad’s method. I can see the headline in the school paper now.” He held forth his hands to illustrate the magnitude of the type. “Entire Football Team Swears Off Sex.” “I can't imagine something that would be more helpful,” she said, and then modified her frequent childlike tone so that now it intimated a vastly different need. “Do you find me attractive?” “You?” he said, a bit flustered by what appeared to be her sudden availability. He decided the best thing he could do was to restrain himself. “Well, Melanie, to tell you the truth, I used to find you very attractive – so attractive I had dreams about you. But not anymore.” She moved a bit closer to him. “You had dreams about me?” “You have no idea. I couldn’t help myself. Later in the course, will I learn how to avoid wet dreams?” “They were that hot?” “Yeah. What can I say, I’m a normal guy.” “That depends on what you call normal. All the girls think you’re a real hunk.” “What do you think?” She backed away from the emotional precipice that she sensed she might have approached. “I think you’re very handsome.” “You do?” “Un-huh. But then all the girls do.” “Oh, come on.” “It’s true,” she said, “and you know it.” Then she managed to relocate her legendary resistance. “But I know all too well what handsome men can lead to." “Hey, I know that axiom, too. It leads to ‘feminine arousal.’” Then he dared to venture a parallel. “And what do beautiful women lead to?” Melanie swallowed hard. “’Masculine arousal.’” “Yeah,” he almost panted, and turned to her. “I confess, Melanie. I'm still attracted to you.” “I knew it!” “Does that upset you?” “No,” she replied, “but it does remind me that I must be especially careful when you’re around.” “Ditto, when I’m around you.” “I think you should leave,” she said, and stood up. “No, please, Melanie. I know a better answer.” “What? That you never come back?” “Don’t even say such a thing. I mean, I just need more education.” “Oh, sure, as if that will make a difference.” “It will, I promise. Come on, Melanie. Teach me. I'm all yours.” “What’s the point?” “I can learn. I’ll prove it. Let’s try something really advanced.” “What do you mean?” she asked, and sat down again. “Try to get me excited.” “Why would I do that?” “Just so I can prove you can’t do it. Come on, I promise you, my resistance is up.” “It's what?” “Skip it. I'm here to learn,” he said, and held up the copy of Playboy. “Take me beyond mere ink to the real thing.” “You’re getting carried away.” “Then give me the next rule. I yearn for advanced study.” He looked directly into her eyes, and it must be said that at that moment the entire edifice of the Coburn method seemed to teeter. “The next rule?” she replied, breathing the words back at him. “Please, I yearn to learn! Give it to me.” “Seventy.” “What about sixty-nine?” "There is none. We skip from sixty-eight to seventy.” “Why, tell me why?” “The unfortunate associations that that number evokes.” “OK, I’ll take seventy. Quick! I need all the axioms I can get.” "Yes, Dan,” she whispered. “’Kissing leads to arousal.’” “More, tell me more! I need it when I’m near you.” “You do?” “Need it badly. Need it so much I want to earn a graduate degree in your father’s method. A Ph. D.!” “You do?” she breathed warmly. “How badly do you want to earn it?” “So badly that – “ At that moment, he lost whatever cool he had managed to retain, threw his arms around her, and gave her an enormous kiss. Melanie allowed herself the luxury of enjoying it for a few moments, but then her extensive tutelage asserted itself. “We should stop,” she said. “We’re losing it.” “No, no, don’t say that. We’re gaining each other.” “Please, Dan. Control yourself,” she told him. He sensed her need to take a breather and let her push him away. “Sorry, Mel. But you can't give me a test like that this early. I'm still a sexual undergraduate. And I'm wild for you.” “You are?” “Maybe I’ll never get past it. When it comes to you, I could fail the entire course.” She stood up and recomposed herself. “You better leave.” “You mean that?” “Please,” she said, with a trace of desperate need. “I’ll tell you what. If you only give me a little more time, I know I can learn not to be attracted to you. I want to learn. And, if you give up on me, think how much sex I’ll be in danger of having. I’m helpless without you.” “I’ll tell you what. If you promise to control yourself, I’ll give you one more chance.” “Good. I’m ready.” “Now, you really have to concentrate on everything I say. No more fooling around.” “You have my word.” “I think we should review axiom twenty-nine.” “Is that the one about sitting close together?” “Yes. ‘Sitting close together leads to touching. Touching leads…’” At this point, he joined in and the finished the axiom with her: “’… to kissing. Therefore, sitting close together must be avoided.’” “That was very good,” she said. Just then, Dr. Coburn returned. He tapped on the den door, and called, “Class in progress?” “Yes, Daddy,” Melanie replied. “Keep up the good work,” he told her. “I want to review the material I picked up at the bookstore.” “OK,” she said, and continued to drill Dan on the axioms, while he did his best to be a devoted student. End of Installment Six