Gossip: What People Say About It

Title:
Gossip: What People Say About It

Word Count:
386

Summary:
We decided, at a reader’s request, to write about gossip and, along the way, to note what others have gossiped about it. What might a gossip say under the influence of a confessional potion if asked, “Why do you always talk about other people?” “Apparently, because I have nothing much to say about myself.” Or as one Amanda Lear quipped, “I hate to spread rumors, but what else can you do with them?”


Keywords:
humor,laugh,laughs,laughter,news,newslaugh,comedy,fun,funny,spoof,spoofs,satire,joke,jokes


Article Body:
We decided, at a reader’s request, to write about gossip and, along the way, to note what others have gossiped about it. We decided, at a reader’s request, to write about gossip and, along the way, to note what others have gossiped about it.

What might one say under the influence of a confessional potion when asked, “Why do you always talk about other people?”

We imagined the reply, “Apparently, because I have nothing much to say about myself.”

Before we turn to the little basket of quotes we picked for you, we can also pass along a couple of our own consolations. One, it’s a lot better to be interesting enough to be talked about than to be the interested party who’s doing the talking. Two, gossip’s empty gambits take place in a playground, actually, on a seesaw. The child who delights to babble sees you way up there – the higher the better – and thinks that by putting you down he or she will put himself or herself up. Tada!

Now, we turn to what others have gossiped about it. It appears, not surprisingly, that brilliance has enlivened the subject only rarely.

“The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.” George Bernard Shaw

“I know that’s a secret, for it’s whispered everywhere.” William Congreve

“They come together like the Coroner’s Inquest, to sit upon the murdered reputations of the week.” Congreve

“I hate to spread rumors, but what else can you do with them?” Amanda Lear

“If you haven’t got anything good to say about anyone come and sit by me.” Alice Roosevelt Longworth

“She proceeds to dip her little fountain-pen filler into pots of oily venom and to squirt this mixture at all her friends.” Harold Nicolson

“I’m called away by particular business – but I leave my character behind me.” Richard Brinsley Sheridan

“Here is the whole set! A character dead at every word.” Same Sheridan

“There is only one thing in the world that is worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” Oscar Wilde

“A professional athlete – of the tongue.” Aldous Huxley

Social sewage.” George Meredith

“Foul whisperings.” William Shakespeare (Sometimes referrred to in gossip as Billy Wigglestick)

Great Practical Jokes To Play On Your Friends

Do you have a friend who just “needs” a practical joke played on them? Well, I might be able to help you. These are original jokes, meaning that they have been played on or by me or my friends.

Please do remember to be prudent and careful in playing these jokes on people, as you don't want to hurt anyone.

1 – The fish at the beach

I have discovered that some people have a revulsion to fish. I have also discovered that these people can also react very humorously to being confronted with a fish.

So, here's the deal – get a fish, complete with it's head. You can buy one at a seafood store. Wait until your friend is digging in the sand or reading a book. They key is to wait until they are focused on something with their head close to the sand.

Now is your time to strike. Take the fish and toss it right under their nose (don't say anything). Enjoy!

2 – The water bottle while camping

While camping is another great time to play practical jokes. This one is easy. While your friend is not watching, take their water bottle and put something nasty in it, like garlic powder. Then wait til they drink it for some hilarious results. Note: it's only fair to play this joke if you have water to replace the water you messed up. It's no fun to go hiking with no water.

3 – The rock while camping

This is a classic joke, but always good. While your buddy is occupied elsewhere, put a rock in the bottom of their pack. You won't get to see their reaction, but you'll probably hear from them when they get home and find that the hauled a rock down the mountain!

So be considerate, safe, and have fun!

Canada In Secret Talks To Trade Quebec For Florida

History does not record the existence of a single Canadian who has not wished his nation had a bit of tropical diversity.

As chilliness North of Niagara would have it, Ottawa has had an ongoing freeze-on, freeze-off relationship with the relatively trendy Province of Quebec, that charming faux-French survival of the Sun King’s proud misjudgments about the importance of the new world.

Now, Canadian legislators have given voice to the sunny idea, Let’s see if we can swap the independent-minded province for Florida.

The offer comes at a particularly opportune time, as a result of the unusually severe hurricanes that have been selecting the Sunshine State as a favorite destination.

The Bush administration has agreed to consider the proposal but admits that there are certain difficulties. For instance, the President will have to explain to his brother and closet presidential wannabe, Jeb, that he’s now a Canadian and can no longer run for President.

To make the loss of their palm-treed haven more palatable to Americans, the Canadians have volunteered to teach everybody in Florida how to speak French. Once, they reason, Florida is enlivened with the sounds of bon jour and merci beaucoup, the switch will seem as uneventful as just swapping one champagne and brie festooned place for another.

Customizable Flash Games: Be A Monkey

Flash game designers are looking for new, innovative ways to draw attention to their creations these days. Free flash games are being played by millions of people online daily, but some designers are making their games customizable to put a new twist into an already popular internet arcade.

Many people got a chance to play the very popular elf game during Christmas 2006, created by Office Max, where a user could upload any face image, which would replace the elf’s default face. The result was about a thirty-second elf song and dance that provided hours of fun and laughs. Some of these creations can still be viewed by searching for the terms ‘elf yourself’ on Youtube.

Does anyone remember how bad we treated substitute teachers in school? Honestly, it seems pretty cruel to think of how students act when there is a sub in the classroom. Spitballs slapped the chalkboard, pencils stuck down from the acoustic ceiling tiles, and even disgusting sounds were made behind the teacher’s back. These are just a few of the classroom assault tactics that we are familiar with. I mean, think about it. Your boss or teacher is driving you nuts. In fact, they are annoying just about everyone. What better way to have some fun at their expense than by pasting their faces on a dancing elf? Now that we are armed with free weapons of ridicule on our PC that give us a harmless, yet hilarious platform for hours of endless fun, we can put down the erasers and let everyone in on the joke.

These types of flash games are fun for a small audience. But why stop there? We can now feature a bald Britney Spears, or a jailed Paris Hilton in our spoofs, for the entire world to see on sites such as Youtube. Why limit the viewing audience to a small handful? It is much more fun for millions of people to see our creations. Isn’t having your productions seen by the world, the new wave of the internet?

What is yet to come in flash media? 3d flash games are just around the corner. There’ll be nothing like being ‘in the game’. While sporting a nifty pair of 3d glasses and experiencing animation like never before, the PC gamer will get to see quite an improvement since the Jaws 3d movie debuted. Hopefully with the purchase of a PC Gamer magazine, we’ll get to play shorts created by the likes of Halo and Starcraft animation teams. These companies, who are already leading the pack in the design of action console games, will give you a 3d glimpse of their games in flash format to reach out to new online customers.

What is already here? Current technology has recently been responsible for design of a powerful development library, which allows creation of Macromedia Flash and Java based flash games and applications with advanced motion detection capability. In simple terms, this means users can play 80s classic Breakout, using only their hands to bat the ball and hit the blocks. Other games let you play simply by waving your hand in front of a webcam, such as an Air Drums game.

Flash game designers are ready and willing to try anything that gamers desire. Companies like Animated Marketing, are asking flash gamers to send their ideas for consideration to be created into flash media animation and free games. Apparently no idea is too outlandish. They want to provide more of what people are looking for in flash games and media.

Whether you want to see your boss dancing around in a monkey’s body, or play classic Breakout without a keyboard or mouse, flash programmers are giving online users hours of free, addictive fun.

Rumsfeld Appoints Self Retired General; Rushes To Own Defense

Donald Rumsfeld, under fire from a platoon of retired generals who have called for his resignation, went on the offensive by appointing himself a retired general. Accompanied by a currently employed general, who, as the head of The Joint Chiefs Of Staff, is his usual sidekick, he stated, “As The Secretary of Defense, I think I should at least be on an equal footing with a retired general, and, after careful consideration, I decided to become one.” A reporter then asked, “As a retired general, what is your opinion on Donald Rumsfeld?” “I think he’s doing an outstanding job,” Rumsfeld replied. “In fact, I think, while I’ve said no one is indispensable, there’s always an exception to the rule.” “How about his handling of the war in Iraq?” another reporter queried. “What war in Iraq?” Rumsfeld countered. “The war in Iraq was over the day we pulled down Saddam Hussein’s statue. What’s going on now is the post-war recovery.” “There are some who say you underestimated the resources that would be required in the post-war period. Can you comment on that?” “As a retired general, the post-war scenario is not my specialty. On the other hand, as The Secretary of Defense, I can say that, while I used all of my absolutely first-rate foresight, I am not clairvoyant. Therefore, I could not know beforehand how many Sunnis, who had it better under Saddam’s tyranny, would rather destroy their own country than live in peace with the Shiite majority. Since I couldn’t know that the two warring Muslim factions would destabilize their own country, I could not possibly anticipate how much stabilization we’d have to try to establish. Nor could I anticipate how many members of al-Qaeda would come rushing in and try to turn the self-destabilized country into the next frontier of their suicidal goal of establishing a pan-Arab medievalist Islamic tyranny.” “Would you change anything in hindsight?” another reporter asked. “Of course, I would. Like everybody else, I do have clairvoyant hindsight. First, I would have made myself a retired general a long time ago, so I could have been the first one to stand up for myself, instead of taking all the potshots I’ve had to before I realized how to deflect them. Second, during the invasion, I would have dropped a ton of leaflets on Iraq that predisposed the population to peace.” “What kind of leaflets?” a reporter asked. “Ones we would have, at that early date, been able to translate into their language with an Iraqi-English dictionary: Shiite + Sunni = Nice Peaceful Country. Shiite – Sunni = Lots of Dead People.” “Do you think those leaflets would have made a difference?” a reporter asked. “Of course. While no leaflet is indispensable, it would have helped these warring factions realize if you can’t live in peace with each other, you can’t do anything together except kill each other.” The final question came from a reporter, who asked, “Do you plan to retire?” “You missed the point,” Secretary Rumsfeld replied. “I already retired. How do you think I became I retired general.” “I mean, do you intend to retire as Secretary of State?” “I think one retirement every decade or so is plenty, don’t you?”

Russia Defends Iranian Nuke Program; Considers Position Good Customer Service

While the civilized world has reacted with horror at Iran’s plan to harness the energy of the atom, as in bombs away, Russia has steadfastly defended the menacing mullahdom’s nuclear ambitions. At first, any person distinguished for responsible behavior is taken back by such apparently reckless advocacy, not only because it seems wildly risky, if not outright self-destructive, but also because one does not expect it from people who have decided to present themselves as such reformed friends of humanity and trustworthy politicos that they dress in spiffy garb, instead of in their former universal drab. We, however, turn to the hard-learned observation that, if anybody’s behavior doesn’t’ seem to make sense, you probably just don’t understand what his or her goals are. Seen this way, the gremlin in the Kremlin is as obvious as the red power tie we often see dangling from Vladimir Putin's neck. Iran buys weapons from Russia and will now buy enriched uranium, too, and Russia is just servicing the customer. As V. P., who brought order to Russia by ordering his Russian cohorts around, said, “Once when I was in the KGB and didn’t have a lot to do, I read about the American department store tycoon, John Wanamaker, who once told a clerk, ‘When a customer comes in, forget about me.’ So when Iran comes up, I forget about everything but putting the customer first. It seems like the capitalist thing to do, and in the modern Russian economy, I think there’s at least room for that much free enterprise.” One would think that there would be some awareness of the geographical limits of his enthusiasm. After all, Russia is a lot closer to Iran than we are. There are also other inescapable aspects of the client relationship that ought to be considered, among them that Vladimir and his gangsta-rich associates look as much like infidels to the Iranians currently steering their ship of state toward the reefs of war as we do. What Lenin once said about capitalists apparently also applies to reformed communists: they would sell you the rope to hang them with.

Book Of Judas Finds Publisher; Record Wait Took 1700 Years

The Book of Judas, penned by the much maligned apostle himself, has finally found a publisher, at the end of a long search that ended at The National Geographic Society. No, it’s not Random House or Knopf. But, hey, after a 1700-year wait, any publisher is bound to come as good news. Now, Judas can at long last be assured that the world will know his side of the story, in which he portrays himself, as author’s are prone to do, in a much more favorable light than tradition has placed him. According to the author, while he was the apostle who betrayed Jesus, he was actually Christ’s favorite apostle and was chosen by Jesus to do the reprehensible deed, so Jesus could fulfill what he considered to be his destiny. So, as if we didn’t have enough reconsider, now we have to reevaluate our estimate of Judas. Was he really just being Christ’s obedient assistant? We must sympathize with the most devout adherents to the New Testament. What are they to make of Judas’s revised version of the betrayal? We assume there will be no shortage of debate. Nor can we, even if we wish, refuse to acknowledge that a certain reluctance to accept the new author’s version will be due to the unfortunate timing of the publication, since the hopes of the world are presently encumbered by the recent parade of people in the Middle East who seem to think that their destiny requires them to seek their own deaths. No doubt the author would have preferred a more auspicious time for his book to appear, ideally, of course, way back when it might still have at least have had some chance of getting into The Bible.

Clutterbugs

"This house is so cluttered I can't find anything," said my husband.

I looked around, and realized that most of the clutter was his, on that particular day, anyway. He seemed to be oblivious to that fact. He's not only a closet packrat, he builds guitars. He rebuilds guitars- guitars that don't quite meet his specifications when he buys them. Our living room is a guitar parts morgue. We could open up a store... They ought to make tables that have a slight angle to them, because every flat surface in our house gets piled with guitar parts, newspapers, mail, art supplies, telephones (yes we have several that don't even work, but "might be salvageable"), and all the equipment that goes along with the guitar building and playing. His "workroom" has a tendency to overflow into the living areas. He said, just the other day, that he wanted to use the other bedroom to "store" stuff, too. I had to make a decision, to blatantly show him that most of the clutter is his, or keep quiet and put all his things away in his used-to-be-a-bedroom "workroom". He surely would complain then, because it would be "put up." We can't ever find things that are "put up." We "put it up" so well, that it's never to be seen again. Might as well go buy another one, for all the good it's gonna' do us looking for it.

The trouble is, I think, we have too much stuff. If someone came by today and asked us to take up our cross and follow Christ (or Yeshua), we wouldn't be able to find it. The Spring cleaning bug has died, too. It comes around once a year around March. Things get spruced up and "put up" and then it slowly fades away, back to the way it was. Little baskets I put around to hide the parts, and pocket contents he dumps out when he comes home are filled to the brim with all kinds of things- gloves, dog leashes, papers, and one even has an amplifier balanced on top of it.

Dust is another problem. We live in the Southwest, where rain is as scarce as change from a vending machine. Lots of dust causes lots of static electricity, which in turn causes computer freeze-ups and malfunctions. With both of us being avowed computer geeks, that certainly is a problem. We are frequently unplugging everything and plugging it back in to release the charge. I even bought some anti-static spray the other day, but alas, it is lost, after just one use. We live in Colorado, but you'd think I was back in West Texas with all the dust that seems to creep in here. I work at home, so my husband thinks I have all day to just go around and dust, and find things. He has no idea... Well, occasionally I do the chores, but anything that needs dusting that's more than five feet high, isn't going to get dusted. If I can't see it, it isn't there. It doesn't bother me, as long as I can't see it.

Maybe I'll start building pianos. They have lots of parts. And they're really big. Nah. They have a flat surface on top. I'd never be able to get into them to work on them. Besides, I'd never get anything else done, just playing the piano all day...

Basketball For Short People: Basket To Be Lowered

Since the 1950s, when short but fast players had a chance of making it onto a professional court – such as the legendary Bob Cousy of the Boston Celtics, known for startling innovations like dribbling and passing behind the back – the sport has been dominated by ever taller athletes, starting with the arrival of Wilt, The Stilt, Chamberlain. Now, The National Basketball Association has come to realize that the trend to tall has demoralized people of who fall within the usual range of human height and that it has positively devastated short people. Compared to the slam-dunking ways of the seven footers, these distressed athletes just can’t get people interested in watching them hoop it up. As a result, interest in the game as a participation sport has waned, and the association is concerned that, as fewer people work up their excitement about playing it, fewer of them will pay to see it. In an effort to return basketball to the widely poplar place it held in the minds and hearts of the American public before it became the exclusive province of players whose mothers are suspected of stretching them as infants, the association is considering legitimizing a court just for people of average height, with a special accommodation for shorter people. The basic plan calls for the basket to be lowered by one foot for players from 5’ 6” to 6’ 6” and two feet for people who are even shorter but still imagine slam-dunking the ball and hanging from the hoop in a celebratory manner. When the new rules go into effect, virtually everyone will finally be able to play the game in as dramatic a fashion as today’s seven footers. For now the plan calls for limiting the innovation to amateur players, but the association confides that if fans once again take an interest in watching average-size people play the game, there is the potential to establish an entire new league, made up of speed merchants who are only eye-high to a current pro’s elbows.

Another Dracula, Another Flop

This week Warner Brothers joined the Walt Disney company in attempting to transform Broadway from a venue with a whisper of hope for social relevance into one that presents works that are the intellectual equivalent of Mickey Mouse caper. If Disney could do it with, for example, The Lion King, why couldn’t Warner Brothers find a property to achieve Broadway fame and fortune with? Unfortunately, their imaginations never soared higher than redoing the Dracula legend, based on a contemporary author’s odd novelistic take on it. In order to hew to Disney’s proven path to moronic megabucks, Warner hired the same songwriting team Disney did for The Lion King, Elton John and his comparatively invisible lyricist Bernie Taupin. Fortunately, the show was a no-go from the start. The word of mouth was devastating and the reviews turned out to make the word of mouth sound brilliant. The question is, why would anybody, given the entire world of properties to choose from or, on a wild bet, even to create an entirely original one, choose the exhausted and irrelevant legend of Dracula? As we of say about trying to work with an idea that doesn’t seem to have a life of its own, you can stand up a dead body, but you can’t make it sing and dance, and, once you let go, it’s bound to fall down.

Gas Prices Go "Gas-tronomical!"

Recently, the price of gas has gone up approximately three or four times a day, depending on how energetic the person is who climbs up and changes the prices at your favorite filling station, until the only word for the skyrocketing astonishment is "gas-tronomical!” President Bush took a bold stance on the issue, saying, ““Americans understand the price of crude oil is going up but they will not accept manipulation of the market. And neither will I!” Proud words, perhaps evoked partly due to anxiety about how his credentials as an ex-oilman might weigh untowardly on his credibility and on his already in-the-well approval ratings. In the same speech, perhaps not quite recognizing the astonishing similarity to manipulation, but in a consumer-friendly sense, he announced that he is increasing the supply of the suddenly pricey liquid by temporarily halting deposits to the U. S. Strategic Petroleum Reserve. Nevertheless, as a result of the dramatic revaluation of the ironically golden liquid, some surprising new players have entered the gasoline business. Tiffany has announced it plans to install a fuel pump next to the counter in which it displays its most extravagant diamonds. Cartier intends to retail the gaseous bauble in solid-gold thimbles. And DeBeers, the legendary diamond merchant, will promote its pricy petrol with a variation on its usual slogan, "A diamond is forever," with “A tankful is not forever." On the other hand, Average Americans, in an effort to accommodate the daily dozen or so price rises, have adopted new ways to get to work. One, called deep carpooling, requires commuters to stuff themselves into cars until their arms and legs are sticking out the windows. Another is to hitch a half-dozen or so cars together, so they can all move along with only one engine burning the precious fuel. Others have once again opted for the uncertainties of mass transportation and, as expected, are often arriving at work late en mass. But Americans are a can do people, no matter how much a can of Middle Eastern oil attempts to grease the skids in their wallets.

Free goughnuts

One night after spending hours in our local club and consuming large amounts of alcohol me and a few of my friends were on the way to a well know fast food chain outlet to get some food. At the doors we were stopped by a homeless guy asking us to donate him some money in order for him to get some food. Being nicely happy we decided to get him some ourselves. After spending, what seemed like hours in the queue we slowly walked back to the door only to discover that one of my burger buns was not there. Obviously I have decided to go back and complain. Surprisingly a nice lady at the counter did not even ask any questions. She was very apologetic and on top of that I got given 6 chocolate doughnuts as compensation. On the way out I have discovered a bun lying on the floor next to the door. It turned out that when I was carrying my food I have managed to lose the top bit of my burger. So it was not kitchen staff’s fault at the end. Nevertheless we walked out to get some fresh air and eat our food. Outside there was the same homeless guy asking more people to sponsor his meal. He was probably even less sober than us because he came up to me for the second time with the same food request. Since I now had extra doughnuts I decided to give him the whole lot of 6 as well as the chips we got him. It does feel good helping someone less fortunate than you. The homeless guy took the food, had a little sniff and binned the whole lot straight away. While me and my friends were standing there stunned by his audacious behaviour he turned around and went off to ask more people for money. I guess he was not hungry after all…

Senior Ticketed For Walking Too Slow; Others Try Rollerskates

An 82-year-old woman was recently issued a ticket in California for crossing a street too slowly. A police officer, who arrived on a motorcycle, told her she was obstructing traffic – and issued her a summons for $114. Responding to the uproar caused by the curious traffic ticket, the municipality has begun to wonder if it should work out ways to help seniors cross streets without fear of incurring a penalty. It is, of course, much too optimistic to hope that the municipality and the nation at large will speed to their rescue with such startling innovations as walk signs that last longer. As a result, seniors, alarmed by the pricy citation, particularly those who are living on social security, are taking steps of their own, as they frantically search for ways to hurry along. Of course, electric wheelchairs have long been an option. But many simply don’t see themselves in the undeniably helpful items, at least, not until they encounter accidents due to the other resources they’ve been turning to, for instance, roller skates. We also understand that bicycles have been selling briskly, particularly near retirement communities. Of course, those who are fortunate enough to live with more able partners have the luxury of looking into other options, such as little red wagons and, in rural areas, wheelbarrows. In a nutshell, seniors are turning to every possible mode of expedition they can think of, which generally means they’re equipped with the age-old facilitation of wheels. While these alternative modes of transportation might offer suitable answers during balmier times, there is some concern about what to do when snow and ice cover the ground. Among the more daring sorts, there is talk of skis, while others are considering ice skates. Until then, we can at least be glad that the dear recipient of the instigating ticket was not also issued points. Enough of those, and she’d have to be concerned about losing her walking license.

What Causes Anguish in a Married Woman?

A humorous look into the not so secret inner workings of the female mind, good for a laugh. Even though if you ask a woman if she is a typical woman she will say no, chances are if you ask her significant other he will probably say that she has many of the stereotypical traits that men are always making fun of, but confronted with this insight the woman will not only deny this, but will give examples of how she is not like other women. Here, you will be able to examine and appraise some of the more common ways in which women behave in all their dealings with their men. 1) She can and will confront her partner when she feels she has grown in size. But, for him, his reply must always be similar. 2) She will talk against her own kin. But, under no circumstances can he indulge himself in such behaviour as well. 3) Women also enjoy bashing their significant others family, and if he does not agree then he is blind and stupid. 4) If a man makes a mess but does not clean it up he is being lazy, but when the a woman leaves a mess it is ok because she is just tired. 5) She is allowed to claim that if he is annoyed by her behaviour, he can leave. But, he can, under no circumstances, claim the same thing. 6) When he barks out at their kids, he must control himself because she never does the same. In her case, it is their kids who must learn how not to anger her. 7) When a Woman asks her significant other to make her a cup of coffee it is no big deal, and is expected to be done with out a complaint, but if a man asks a woman for a cup of coffee the woman will come back with "I am Not Your Slave". 8) When the partner does not respond, the woman shouts and asks him to do so. But when he does, the woman shouts and asks him to shut up. 9) She will raise hell the moment he fails to comply with her important requests. But when he argues on the same lines, she will state that the same moral does not apply because each and every issue is crucial to her. 10) If he goes out and spends cash on something, she will claim that is a spendthrift. But, when she follows suit, the reason is that life is worth living to the fullest. 11) The partner does not know how to say sorry. The woman does, but, it is just that there is never a reason to say it. 12) The partner has got to nurture the relationship. But, on the other hand, the woman is tired and needs her beauty sleep. Closure: Let it not be argued or mentioned that a man is more than a woman because the opposite is the case. Women have more brains, are funnier and have a much better sense of fashion and humane characteristics. All I have done above is pointed out some of our female oddities, and such have not degraded women, but rather empowered them.

Bin Laden Releases Another Audiotape: Hideout Too Dark For Video

Apparently, unable to contain his enthusiasm for bumming out the relatively nice and unsuspecting folks who make up much of the Western World, the misinformed medievalist has released another drearily threatening audiotape. Since the combined political, military, and intelligence resources of the civilized world cannot locate the potato head, we suggest the audiotape be taken as an opportunity to arrest him. Here's how. Somebody buys the resourceful recluse a video camera and battery-powered lights. Since he long delighted to display his narcissistic self and give voice to his lamentable disjunction with informed thought, we assume that either he is not currently in possession of a video camera or that he is hunkered down in a hideout that is too dark to shoot anything but firearms. It cannot be that he is afraid a video will reveal his location, because he always has the option of hanging the same kind of chintzy curtain behind him that his original second in medieval misguidance, Aman al-Zawahiri, uses when he comes out of the cave long enough for his eyes to adjust to the light to make an inflammatory video, with, we’ve noticed, production values that are on about the same level as a commercial for a discount chain that’s struggling to get foothold in a Mexican border town. The only condition is, upon receipt of the equipment, OBL has to agree to make a video about directions to his hideout. To prolong his short-lived celebrity, he can even deliver it in installments. The media will be wild for it. We do not know why he will not accept this opportunity for the worldwide display of his long-cramped ego, because, at last report, he only had four wives, and, if he believes his own deadly dumb preachments, after he goes to the paradise of his overheated and woefully misguided imagination, he can have twenty-seven virgins. Of course, we must interject that any man with four wives who would contemplate having twenty-seven virgins as a good time has done very little reflection on what it’s really like to have four mates and has exceedingly little experience with virgins. He needn’t be excessively concerned about these impossible complications, however, because, as linguistic analysis has sometime ago revealed, the Arabic word for virgin may also mean grape, depending on whether or not it occurs with a grave. It appears that, in the particular context in which he has applied it to assure the ready suicide of fellow but somewhat more imbecilic emanations from The Dark Ages, the meaning is 27 grapes. So the mad, mad Muslims slammed into our World Trade Center – which was, in fact, a mutual treasure of the human race, erected to facilitate worldwide economic competence and development – and incinerated nearly three thousand of our beloved, hard-working and comparatively normal people did it to reap imaginary rewards they could have picked up at a fruit market. Meanwhile, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, his lackey who’s not an Iraqi, did his boss in absentia one better. Spiffily attired in black as a cool enemy of humanity, he rattled on with the same ill-informed drivel he and his mentor have both become wanted for, even by their own people. Ah, what a toll we must pay for the deadly duo of ignorance and backwardness! Witness the unconscionable bombing in the Egyptian resort of Dahab, apparently timed to follow OBL’s latest audio-only pontification. How do people who have no feeling for their fellow human beings expect anyone to do anything but excoriate and execute them? Somebody ought to tell them that fellow-feeling is actually the major sentiment that makes the human race worthy of its own continuance upon this blessed but blighted earth. As for OBL, when will some real-life Indiana Jones find out where he is hiding, so we can finally give the misguided pest his overdue rest?

Berlosconi Gets Plate of Spaghetti In Face

Silvio Berlusconi, the media tycoon who became the outspoken, conservative Prime Minister of Italy, was recently handed an electoral plate of spaghetti in the face. As you no doubt have read, he lost a narrow race to a left-of-center challenger, who the deep-pocketed Berlusconi outspent many times over. Although Berlusconi continues to contest the vote, the Italian court ruled in favor of his opponent. Since Mr. Berlusconi seemed to bring a bit of spice to Italian politics and will now be replaced by a relatively bland serving of leadership, one cannot help but feel some remorse at his departure from the generally pallid troupe on the current stage of world politics. One would think that an apparently bright guy like Silvio would know that a penchant for provocative speech and sartorial splendor are two of the most likely ways to inspire the average voter to take him down a peg. Apparently, being the effective but humble servant of the citizenry is not his cup of espresso. Since Berlusconi was a forthright ally of our struggles in Iraq, we must now face the prospect that the newly elected Prime Minister will beat a speedy retreat. So we better get ready to duck. The second plate of spaghetti may fly our way.

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1. ComedySportz is funny improvisation played as a sport. It is excellent entertainment for people of all ages.

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3. ComedySportz is modeled after the comedy show, Theatersports by Keith Johnson. The comedy version was born in 1984 by Dick Chudnow.

4. You can find this comedy show in cities throughout the United States including: Spokane, Chicago, Indianapolis, Richmond, Dallas, and New York. They also do shows in the United Kingdom and Ireland.

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ComedySportz offers comedy, fun, healthy competition and opportunities for self improvement.

Senior Ticked For Walking Too Slow; Others Try Roller Skates

An 82-year-old woman was recently issued a ticket in California for crossing a street too slowly. A police officer, who arrived on a motorcycle, told her she was obstructing traffic – and issued her a summons for $114. Responding to the uproar caused by the curious traffic ticket, the municipality has begun to wonder if it should work out ways to help seniors cross streets without fear of incurring a penalty. It is, of course, much too optimistic to hope that the municipality and the nation at large will speed to their rescue with such startling innovations as walk signs that last longer. As a result, seniors, alarmed by the pricy citation, particularly those who are living on social security, are taking steps of their own, as they frantically search for ways to hurry along. Of course, electric wheelchairs have long been an option. But many simply don’t see themselves in the undeniably helpful items, at least, not until they encounter accidents due to the other resources they’ve been turning to, for instance, roller skates. We also understand that bicycles have been selling briskly, particularly near retirement communities. Of course, those who are fortunate enough to live with more able partners have the luxury of looking into other options, such as little red wagons and, in rural areas, wheelbarrows. In a nutshell, seniors are turning to every possible mode of expedition they can think of, which generally means they’re equipped with the age-old facilitation of wheels. While these alternative modes of transportation might offer suitable answers during balmier times, there is some concern about what to do when snow and ice cover the ground. Among the more daring sorts, there is talk of skis, while others are considering ice skates. Until then, we can at least be glad that the dear recipient of the instigating ticket was not also issued points. Enough of those, and she’d have to be concerned about losing her walking license.

The Headless Horseman Of Mass Media: Information Everywhere, Philosophy Nowhere

Did you ever notice that we’re surrounded by information but hardly ever come across an idea in the media that might help us lead sane and happy lives? Oh, not the usual self-help drivel about how to lose weight or enjoy sex, but answers to the really big questions, like what to think about when you wake up in the morning and how to drink water out of a plastic bottle without burping. Try this experiment. Next time you go up to your favorite newsstand, scan all the overwrought front pages and smiley cover stories and try to find at least one suggestion that addresses the biggest questions your have about life. We’re not kidding around here. We’re talking about the big slam-dunk ideas that can actually help you get along with a commendable degree of rationality and happiness. Of course, you’d think everybody would know enough about such mental resources by the age of sixteen or so, but, judging by the amount of craziness and misery in the world, even among supposedly intelligent people, apparently very few folks ever do marshal their defenses against life’s tribulations and their inspirations toward its delights. For instance, how about Spalding Gray, whose recent successful foray into New York’s East River, shocked and depressed us all? What was he thinking? Or, going back a way to another misguided riverine escapade, take Robert Schumann, one of the brightest and most generous composers who ever lived. The distracted soul became so frantic and depressed, even with a cute and accomplished wife like Clara, that he walked into the Rhine in the middle of February and, having accidentally survived, begged to spend his last days in an insane asylum. Obviously, there’s a real need here for some handiwork. So, to help make up for the pervasive vapidity of the usual media and not wanting anything untoward to happen to you, precious reader, but actually wishing you perpetual joy, we herewith present twelve ways to help jaunt through life sane and happy, at least, most of the time. 1. Believe you were born to be sane and happy. It helps you think better of what’s behind it all. 2. To be sane and happy, do great things, because it’s fun, helpful, and makes you feel good about yourself. It’s also generally, but not always, rewarding to be considerate and, if you can afford it, generous. 3. Let other people believe anything they want to and just be happy that they have something that helps them get through this frequently challenging life, unless what they believe is likely to hurt somebody else, especially you. Then just clear out. You can find better friends. If they’re part of your family, wait till they figure out how to love you on their own. 4. Take good care of your life and whatever “made it” will take good care of you, if it takes good care of anybody, providing, of course, it’s sane and happy enough for you to be concerned about, and we do hope and trust it is. Otherwise, why do birds sing, even if some of them, especially the caw-caw choir, obviously never went to music school? 5. Be nice to everybody who isn’t entirely despicable, because everybody else is at least as fragile and uncertain as you are, no matter how big his or her mouth is or how inconsiderate and selfish he or she can be. 6. Remember Philosophy 101 and big Ari’s two generally neglected chestnuts. One: happiness is more likely to come your way if you guide your life “according to reason,” instead of hearkening to the plenteous varieties of idiocy that are somehow still afoot in the world. Two: be guided by The Golden Mean, that is, avoid excess of any kind, primarily because it’s likely to get you into excessive trouble. Notice, for example, how many people mess up their relationships because they don’t know that the quest for more and more generally leads to less and less, since that inconsiderate rampage negates the value of the individual, who happens to be the only person you can hug and kiss. Also notice how many celebrities are twisting on the agonizing spit of neediness, apparently unaware that infinite need can know no satisfaction. 7. Always keep the wholeness of your life in mind and never let a detail subordinate it and drive you completely to distraction, even when the detail is the person you love, telling you, “I just decided my happiness depends on kissing you goodbye.” Times like these are ideal to remember what your grandmother taught you: count your blessings. 8. Curse without feeling guilty. It’s an outlet that never hurt anybody. And what are words really but just sounds in the air? Never forget: the most forbidden word of all rhymes with luck. 9. Actually, don’t feel guilty about anything, unless you’re so perverse you actually hurt somebody else or, on rare occasions, yourself. Then you should feel really guilty, unless, of course, the other person was trying to hurt you. Then you should feel terrific for beating him or her off and he or she is the one who should feel really guilty. To free yourself from guilt, we advise the following half-original remedy: See your superego, which may, unfortunately, be parked on your flattened ego, as an agglomeration of internal objects that represent the most influential people in your past. Pretend they’re in a jury box, observing you. They are probably not smiling and saying, “Do whatever you want to, sweetie. We love you and just want you to be happy.” No, they are probably frowning and wagging their fingers, sternly advising, “Don’t do that.” Or “How could you do that?” Now, here’s the original part of the remedy: one by one turn these oppressive adjudicators upside down and bounce them on their heads. This innovative tactic helps you realize they’re now just in your mind and therefore they’re within your control. You’ve “internalized them,” like Freud’s perpetually unhappy sons internalized the primal father, along with all of his troublesome rules, and, as Siggy tells us, now this stern but deceased terror is more powerful than ever, because he’s in their minds, even watching their most embarrassing thoughts. As you no doubt know, helping most guilt-ridden people find a little space where they can breathe free is based on prying their garbage-truck-size superegos off their egos. One easy way to kick the primal father in the butt is to realize that being able to think of every alternative is the very dynamic that let’s you decide, nobly or ignobly, what you’d actually like to do. Who knows? With a little persistent head-bouncing, one day you may be able to dismiss the entire jury. 10. Enjoy sex and alcohol. You were born to enjoy the first, and you need to enjoy the second. Amazing how many people take responsibility for the fact that they have normal desires. Relax. You didn’t design the setup. Your job is just to live with it. Obviously, nature believed in pleasure more than any moralizer you’re likely to come across, at least, when he or she is speaking in public. Second, ever notice how people who don’t drink are usually really uptight and frequently get pale about the age of 40, lock up, and eventually stroke out. Your body needs a nice, reliable way to relax, especially in a workaday world that’s all set up to stress out even The Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz, and the thing booze has over pills is that it tastes good. Just don’t get drunk, because you’ll feel sick and maybe get arrested for DWI or kill some innocent person or other drunk who’s driving toward you. 11. Don’t worry about when the sun is going to burn out. You have more immediate concerns. 12. If you become overly concerned about what may await you when the curtain comes down on your life, remember how many problems you had before you were born. If still concerned, consult sane and happy hint number seven, sentence two. Bonus idea. We said only twelve but we have another big idea, alluded to, for comic effect, at the start, that we can’t resist sharing for good luck. 13. How to drink out of plastic bottles. Surprisingly, there is a way to drink water out of a plastic bottle without inhaling so much air you have to burp revoltingly three or four times. Astonishingly enough, there is also a way to drink soda out of a big plastic bottle without the bubbly getting flatter as the bottle gets emptier. When you drink right out of a bottle of water, especially Poland Spring, which, as you may have noticed, has an orifice so tiny you almost think the company doesn’t actually want you to drink it, just buy it. Place the rim on your lower lip so that the upper part of the curve is still exposed to the air. Then you can pour it down, instead of sucking on it like a desperate baby dealing with a retentive nipple. With big bottles of soda, each time you pour a glass, squeeze it until there’s very little air in it and then put the cap on tightly. Now, there’s hardly any space for the fizz to evaporate into. Admittedly, the flattened, bent thing will look odd in your refrigerator but at least the bubbly stuff will stay tangy. Unfortunately, this resourceful trick doesn’t work with champagne, because it obviously doesn’t come in plastic bottles, at least, not yet. We assume that now you’re ready to face life, prepared for any eventuality, which, if experience is any indication, will contain the usual confoundedly unpredictable mix of devastations and delights, which, if you really think about it, is the main thing that makes life mind-teasingly interesting.

Met Meets Greece's Request; Returns Ancient Toilet Seats

The Metropolitan Museum of Art, having recently agreed to return one of the finest vases in its collection from the Classical Age of Ancient Greece, has also consented to return the collected toilet seats from the ancient Cretan port city of Ephesus. The decision has come as a welcome relief to the Greek tourist board, whose embarrassed guides annually answer the same question that tourists ask approximately a thousand times a day. The innocent travelers behold the long cement benches with curious holes that grace an area of their walking tour. Philippe de Montebello, Director of the Metropolitan Museum, stated, “I felt returning the priceless vase was the correct step for us to take. It was a pirated item, and I dress far too nattily to be imagined with a piratical patch over one eye. As far as the return of the toilet seats is concerned, we had kept them in storage, because space at the Met is limited, particularly in regard to items I personally prefer not to put on display. So, hearing about the plight of the tour guides, I decided that shipping these less-than-priceless thrones back to Greece is the thoughtful thing to do.” Tour guides cheered the decision. It remains to be determined if the Greek government will consent to put one on display at Ephesus or will, as the Met did, insist on keeping them private.