America To Sue Rest Of World For Ungrateful Behavior

America, which has sacrificed the lives of its citizens and its material plentitude more selflessly than any other nation in history to come to the assistance of other countries, noted the astonishingly heated negative commentary about it emanating from virtually every corner of the globe and has decided to sue the rest of the world on the grounds of ungrateful behavior. The President said, “You can’t just go out there and sacrifice your sons and daughters lives and expend so much of the national treasury and not get a little something back. We’ve got sorrowful families all across the land, with whose losses I deeply sympathize, and we can’t even afford to fix the potholes on federal highways. So what choice do we have? We’re taking the ungrateful foreigners to court. Justice will be served. We merit and demand some praise here.” A grandmother for the plaintiff stated, “My family has lost loved ones in three different wars and all in countries that I haven’t heard a good thing said in about America for years. When I take the stand, watch out. I’m patriotic pissed.” The international court at The Hague has declined to take the case, primarily because it is in The Hague. Upon learning of that court’s disinclination, the U. S. has appealed to the U. N. to find a venue that will hear the case.” A prominent attorney for America commented, “We’d rather not have the trial here. Holding it in our own country will detract from the credibility of the outcome, but having it in an unfriendly location is bound to create the kind of inflammatory demonstrations that will lead to a lot of free press.” Not surprisingly, France, Germany, and Spain have also nixed the idea of hosting the trial, maintaining that since they’re all being sued, supporting the action seems inadvisable. Britain and Italy are understood to be considering the matter. Tony Blair is the most disposed to hosting it, saying, “We hardly ever badmouth America, so we hope to come through the trial with flying colors.” The Italian government has expressed some willingness to host it but has indicated it may charge for rental of the courthouse. “I’m confident of victory,” another attorney for America maintained. “All you have to do is look at the newspapers. All the incriminating evidence you need is on the lips of leaders and the public in general in just about every country of the world. The only thing that stands in the way of a big win for the U. S. is finding a country where we can conduct the trial.” Should the verdict go as the plaintiff hopes, the expectation is that the guilty will henceforth base their comments on a true understanding of just who this country is. One of the most persuasive arguments the nation’s attorneys hope to present is based on the usual philosophical tactic of imagining the opposite argument. As the lead attorney for the country put it, “Will you please tell us what other country in the world, besides your own, you would prefer to possess the amount of power America has? We are, in fact, the first nation in the history of the world that could conquer it but, in addition to being freedom-loving people that the whole idea offends, we’re savvy business people who know we just can’t afford the worldwide upkeep.”

Gossip: What People Say About It

Title:
Gossip: What People Say About It

Word Count:
386

Summary:
We decided, at a reader’s request, to write about gossip and, along the way, to note what others have gossiped about it. What might a gossip say under the influence of a confessional potion if asked, “Why do you always talk about other people?” “Apparently, because I have nothing much to say about myself.” Or as one Amanda Lear quipped, “I hate to spread rumors, but what else can you do with them?”


Keywords:
humor,laugh,laughs,laughter,news,newslaugh,comedy,fun,funny,spoof,spoofs,satire,joke,jokes


Article Body:
We decided, at a reader’s request, to write about gossip and, along the way, to note what others have gossiped about it. We decided, at a reader’s request, to write about gossip and, along the way, to note what others have gossiped about it.

What might one say under the influence of a confessional potion when asked, “Why do you always talk about other people?”

We imagined the reply, “Apparently, because I have nothing much to say about myself.”

Before we turn to the little basket of quotes we picked for you, we can also pass along a couple of our own consolations. One, it’s a lot better to be interesting enough to be talked about than to be the interested party who’s doing the talking. Two, gossip’s empty gambits take place in a playground, actually, on a seesaw. The child who delights to babble sees you way up there – the higher the better – and thinks that by putting you down he or she will put himself or herself up. Tada!

Now, we turn to what others have gossiped about it. It appears, not surprisingly, that brilliance has enlivened the subject only rarely.

“The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.” George Bernard Shaw

“I know that’s a secret, for it’s whispered everywhere.” William Congreve

“They come together like the Coroner’s Inquest, to sit upon the murdered reputations of the week.” Congreve

“I hate to spread rumors, but what else can you do with them?” Amanda Lear

“If you haven’t got anything good to say about anyone come and sit by me.” Alice Roosevelt Longworth

“She proceeds to dip her little fountain-pen filler into pots of oily venom and to squirt this mixture at all her friends.” Harold Nicolson

“I’m called away by particular business – but I leave my character behind me.” Richard Brinsley Sheridan

“Here is the whole set! A character dead at every word.” Same Sheridan

“There is only one thing in the world that is worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” Oscar Wilde

“A professional athlete – of the tongue.” Aldous Huxley

Social sewage.” George Meredith

“Foul whisperings.” William Shakespeare (Sometimes referrred to in gossip as Billy Wigglestick)

Great Practical Jokes To Play On Your Friends

Do you have a friend who just “needs” a practical joke played on them? Well, I might be able to help you. These are original jokes, meaning that they have been played on or by me or my friends.

Please do remember to be prudent and careful in playing these jokes on people, as you don't want to hurt anyone.

1 – The fish at the beach

I have discovered that some people have a revulsion to fish. I have also discovered that these people can also react very humorously to being confronted with a fish.

So, here's the deal – get a fish, complete with it's head. You can buy one at a seafood store. Wait until your friend is digging in the sand or reading a book. They key is to wait until they are focused on something with their head close to the sand.

Now is your time to strike. Take the fish and toss it right under their nose (don't say anything). Enjoy!

2 – The water bottle while camping

While camping is another great time to play practical jokes. This one is easy. While your friend is not watching, take their water bottle and put something nasty in it, like garlic powder. Then wait til they drink it for some hilarious results. Note: it's only fair to play this joke if you have water to replace the water you messed up. It's no fun to go hiking with no water.

3 – The rock while camping

This is a classic joke, but always good. While your buddy is occupied elsewhere, put a rock in the bottom of their pack. You won't get to see their reaction, but you'll probably hear from them when they get home and find that the hauled a rock down the mountain!

So be considerate, safe, and have fun!

Canada In Secret Talks To Trade Quebec For Florida

History does not record the existence of a single Canadian who has not wished his nation had a bit of tropical diversity.

As chilliness North of Niagara would have it, Ottawa has had an ongoing freeze-on, freeze-off relationship with the relatively trendy Province of Quebec, that charming faux-French survival of the Sun King’s proud misjudgments about the importance of the new world.

Now, Canadian legislators have given voice to the sunny idea, Let’s see if we can swap the independent-minded province for Florida.

The offer comes at a particularly opportune time, as a result of the unusually severe hurricanes that have been selecting the Sunshine State as a favorite destination.

The Bush administration has agreed to consider the proposal but admits that there are certain difficulties. For instance, the President will have to explain to his brother and closet presidential wannabe, Jeb, that he’s now a Canadian and can no longer run for President.

To make the loss of their palm-treed haven more palatable to Americans, the Canadians have volunteered to teach everybody in Florida how to speak French. Once, they reason, Florida is enlivened with the sounds of bon jour and merci beaucoup, the switch will seem as uneventful as just swapping one champagne and brie festooned place for another.

JazzFest In New Orleans Kicks Off Without Jazz

The Jazzfest in New Orleans, intended to revive the sodden spirits of the land of legendary jazz greats, went off, oddly enough, with comparatively little jazz. There was, in conspicuous unlikelihood, Bruce Springsteen, who did manage a soulful rendition of When the Saints Go Marching In. Also on hand was the legendary jazz performer Elvis Costello.

While all the misplaced rockers do come as a wakeup call to the people who expect the Jazzfest to feature jazz, the sad truth is that jazz hasn’t been the leading act in New Orleans, or anywhere else in the lower 48, since Bill Haley and the Comets strolled around Preservation Hall, thumping out Rock Around the Clock, ratcheting up that old backbeat rhythm in the first verifiable intrusion of rock and roll into the sensibilities of the former comparatively civilized ears of now extensively deaf humanity.

Of course, there were some performers with a tad of credibility toward the appellation of jazz artist, such as verifiable regulars Dr. John and Allan Toussaint.

It’s time deal with the indisputable encumbrance that we’re living in an age when the big music stars are not, despite their passing pretensions, exponents of the jazz mode, except perhaps in the persona of the skillful New Yorker trumpeter, Wynton Marsalis. The giants of jazz, from raspy voiced trumpeter Louis Armstrong to smoothly elegant pianist Bill Evans, have long been sleeping in the arms of time.

The truth of music in New Orleans has for many years been in the sound of music one hears when he or she strolls through the fabled French Quarter. They have been, not the lilting lines of jazz, but the raucous thumps of rock.

Since popular music is unlikely to return to those golden days of yore, it seems that the least irritating way to return consonance to the Jazzfest is simply to rename it the Musicfest.

Then, while our ears might be just as troubled, at least our minds could ease off the incongruity that persists in troubling them.

Russia Defends Iranian Nuke Program; Considers Position Good Customer Service

While the civilized world has reacted with horror at Iran’s plan to harness the energy of the atom, as in bombs away, Russia has steadfastly defended the menacing mullahdom’s nuclear ambitions. At first, any person distinguished for responsible behavior is taken back by such apparently reckless advocacy, not only because it seems wildly risky, if not outright self-destructive, but also because one does not expect it from people who have decided to present themselves as such reformed friends of humanity and trustworthy politicos that they dress in spiffy garb, instead of in their former universal drab. We, however, turn to the hard-learned observation that, if anybody’s behavior doesn’t’ seem to make sense, you probably just don’t understand what his or her goals are. Seen this way, the gremlin in the Kremlin is as obvious as the red power tie we often see dangling from Vladimir Putin's neck. Iran buys weapons from Russia and will now buy enriched uranium, too, and Russia is just servicing the customer. As V. P., who brought order to Russia by ordering his Russian cohorts around, said, “Once when I was in the KGB and didn’t have a lot to do, I read about the American department store tycoon, John Wanamaker, who once told a clerk, ‘When a customer comes in, forget about me.’ So when Iran comes up, I forget about everything but putting the customer first. It seems like the capitalist thing to do, and in the modern Russian economy, I think there’s at least room for that much free enterprise.” One would think that there would be some awareness of the geographical limits of his enthusiasm. After all, Russia is a lot closer to Iran than we are. There are also other inescapable aspects of the client relationship that ought to be considered, among them that Vladimir and his gangsta-rich associates look as much like infidels to the Iranians currently steering their ship of state toward the reefs of war as we do. What Lenin once said about capitalists apparently also applies to reformed communists: they would sell you the rope to hang them with.

Clutterbugs

"This house is so cluttered I can't find anything," said my husband.

I looked around, and realized that most of the clutter was his, on that particular day, anyway. He seemed to be oblivious to that fact. He's not only a closet packrat, he builds guitars. He rebuilds guitars- guitars that don't quite meet his specifications when he buys them. Our living room is a guitar parts morgue. We could open up a store... They ought to make tables that have a slight angle to them, because every flat surface in our house gets piled with guitar parts, newspapers, mail, art supplies, telephones (yes we have several that don't even work, but "might be salvageable"), and all the equipment that goes along with the guitar building and playing. His "workroom" has a tendency to overflow into the living areas. He said, just the other day, that he wanted to use the other bedroom to "store" stuff, too. I had to make a decision, to blatantly show him that most of the clutter is his, or keep quiet and put all his things away in his used-to-be-a-bedroom "workroom". He surely would complain then, because it would be "put up." We can't ever find things that are "put up." We "put it up" so well, that it's never to be seen again. Might as well go buy another one, for all the good it's gonna' do us looking for it.

The trouble is, I think, we have too much stuff. If someone came by today and asked us to take up our cross and follow Christ (or Yeshua), we wouldn't be able to find it. The Spring cleaning bug has died, too. It comes around once a year around March. Things get spruced up and "put up" and then it slowly fades away, back to the way it was. Little baskets I put around to hide the parts, and pocket contents he dumps out when he comes home are filled to the brim with all kinds of things- gloves, dog leashes, papers, and one even has an amplifier balanced on top of it.

Dust is another problem. We live in the Southwest, where rain is as scarce as change from a vending machine. Lots of dust causes lots of static electricity, which in turn causes computer freeze-ups and malfunctions. With both of us being avowed computer geeks, that certainly is a problem. We are frequently unplugging everything and plugging it back in to release the charge. I even bought some anti-static spray the other day, but alas, it is lost, after just one use. We live in Colorado, but you'd think I was back in West Texas with all the dust that seems to creep in here. I work at home, so my husband thinks I have all day to just go around and dust, and find things. He has no idea... Well, occasionally I do the chores, but anything that needs dusting that's more than five feet high, isn't going to get dusted. If I can't see it, it isn't there. It doesn't bother me, as long as I can't see it.

Maybe I'll start building pianos. They have lots of parts. And they're really big. Nah. They have a flat surface on top. I'd never be able to get into them to work on them. Besides, I'd never get anything else done, just playing the piano all day...

Basketball For Short People: Basket To Be Lowered

Since the 1950s, when short but fast players had a chance of making it onto a professional court – such as the legendary Bob Cousy of the Boston Celtics, known for startling innovations like dribbling and passing behind the back – the sport has been dominated by ever taller athletes, starting with the arrival of Wilt, The Stilt, Chamberlain. Now, The National Basketball Association has come to realize that the trend to tall has demoralized people of who fall within the usual range of human height and that it has positively devastated short people. Compared to the slam-dunking ways of the seven footers, these distressed athletes just can’t get people interested in watching them hoop it up. As a result, interest in the game as a participation sport has waned, and the association is concerned that, as fewer people work up their excitement about playing it, fewer of them will pay to see it. In an effort to return basketball to the widely poplar place it held in the minds and hearts of the American public before it became the exclusive province of players whose mothers are suspected of stretching them as infants, the association is considering legitimizing a court just for people of average height, with a special accommodation for shorter people. The basic plan calls for the basket to be lowered by one foot for players from 5’ 6” to 6’ 6” and two feet for people who are even shorter but still imagine slam-dunking the ball and hanging from the hoop in a celebratory manner. When the new rules go into effect, virtually everyone will finally be able to play the game in as dramatic a fashion as today’s seven footers. For now the plan calls for limiting the innovation to amateur players, but the association confides that if fans once again take an interest in watching average-size people play the game, there is the potential to establish an entire new league, made up of speed merchants who are only eye-high to a current pro’s elbows.

Another Dracula, Another Flop

This week Warner Brothers joined the Walt Disney company in attempting to transform Broadway from a venue with a whisper of hope for social relevance into one that presents works that are the intellectual equivalent of Mickey Mouse caper. If Disney could do it with, for example, The Lion King, why couldn’t Warner Brothers find a property to achieve Broadway fame and fortune with? Unfortunately, their imaginations never soared higher than redoing the Dracula legend, based on a contemporary author’s odd novelistic take on it. In order to hew to Disney’s proven path to moronic megabucks, Warner hired the same songwriting team Disney did for The Lion King, Elton John and his comparatively invisible lyricist Bernie Taupin. Fortunately, the show was a no-go from the start. The word of mouth was devastating and the reviews turned out to make the word of mouth sound brilliant. The question is, why would anybody, given the entire world of properties to choose from or, on a wild bet, even to create an entirely original one, choose the exhausted and irrelevant legend of Dracula? As we of say about trying to work with an idea that doesn’t seem to have a life of its own, you can stand up a dead body, but you can’t make it sing and dance, and, once you let go, it’s bound to fall down.

Gas Prices Go "Gas-tronomical!"

Recently, the price of gas has gone up approximately three or four times a day, depending on how energetic the person is who climbs up and changes the prices at your favorite filling station, until the only word for the skyrocketing astonishment is "gas-tronomical!” President Bush took a bold stance on the issue, saying, ““Americans understand the price of crude oil is going up but they will not accept manipulation of the market. And neither will I!” Proud words, perhaps evoked partly due to anxiety about how his credentials as an ex-oilman might weigh untowardly on his credibility and on his already in-the-well approval ratings. In the same speech, perhaps not quite recognizing the astonishing similarity to manipulation, but in a consumer-friendly sense, he announced that he is increasing the supply of the suddenly pricey liquid by temporarily halting deposits to the U. S. Strategic Petroleum Reserve. Nevertheless, as a result of the dramatic revaluation of the ironically golden liquid, some surprising new players have entered the gasoline business. Tiffany has announced it plans to install a fuel pump next to the counter in which it displays its most extravagant diamonds. Cartier intends to retail the gaseous bauble in solid-gold thimbles. And DeBeers, the legendary diamond merchant, will promote its pricy petrol with a variation on its usual slogan, "A diamond is forever," with “A tankful is not forever." On the other hand, Average Americans, in an effort to accommodate the daily dozen or so price rises, have adopted new ways to get to work. One, called deep carpooling, requires commuters to stuff themselves into cars until their arms and legs are sticking out the windows. Another is to hitch a half-dozen or so cars together, so they can all move along with only one engine burning the precious fuel. Others have once again opted for the uncertainties of mass transportation and, as expected, are often arriving at work late en mass. But Americans are a can do people, no matter how much a can of Middle Eastern oil attempts to grease the skids in their wallets.

Microsoft Vista To Support Only Microsoft Products; Denies Monopolistic Intent

Microsoft announced today that its new Vista operating system would support only products made by Microsoft. The announcement immediately set off a tsunami of furious responses from all the other software companies and a renewed sharp eye from regulatory authorities. The company effusively denied that the move is in any way indicative of monopolistic practices. Microsoft CEO, Steven Ballmer, known to insiders from competing companies as The Embalmer, noted, “Since Vista is a Microsoft product, what reason on earth is there to support products made by other companies? If they want people to use their programs, they’re free to create their own desktop operating systems.” His announcement did not sufficiently palliate representatives of other major software companies. A representative from google lashed out, saying, “It wasn’t enough that the new version of Internet Explorer will have a default setting to MSN Search. Now, we understand when people click on options, there won’t be any. That just doesn’t seem fair, even though, I admit, he-he, google is the default setting in Firefox.” Questioned about the contentious issue, Bill Gates stated flatly, “I have always been very influenced by my last name, and, in this case, as it appears in the well-know phrase, ‘Sorry, the gates are closed.” It appears that the issue will finally be determined by how courts view the Microsoft insistence that other companies are still free to create their own desktop operating systems. As far as the American economy is concerned, the most significant development seems to be that, as a result of the pending flurry of lawsuits, zillions of lawyers are currently gleefully employed.

What Causes Anguish in a Married Woman?

A humorous look into the not so secret inner workings of the female mind, good for a laugh. Even though if you ask a woman if she is a typical woman she will say no, chances are if you ask her significant other he will probably say that she has many of the stereotypical traits that men are always making fun of, but confronted with this insight the woman will not only deny this, but will give examples of how she is not like other women. Here, you will be able to examine and appraise some of the more common ways in which women behave in all their dealings with their men. 1) She can and will confront her partner when she feels she has grown in size. But, for him, his reply must always be similar. 2) She will talk against her own kin. But, under no circumstances can he indulge himself in such behaviour as well. 3) Women also enjoy bashing their significant others family, and if he does not agree then he is blind and stupid. 4) If a man makes a mess but does not clean it up he is being lazy, but when the a woman leaves a mess it is ok because she is just tired. 5) She is allowed to claim that if he is annoyed by her behaviour, he can leave. But, he can, under no circumstances, claim the same thing. 6) When he barks out at their kids, he must control himself because she never does the same. In her case, it is their kids who must learn how not to anger her. 7) When a Woman asks her significant other to make her a cup of coffee it is no big deal, and is expected to be done with out a complaint, but if a man asks a woman for a cup of coffee the woman will come back with "I am Not Your Slave". 8) When the partner does not respond, the woman shouts and asks him to do so. But when he does, the woman shouts and asks him to shut up. 9) She will raise hell the moment he fails to comply with her important requests. But when he argues on the same lines, she will state that the same moral does not apply because each and every issue is crucial to her. 10) If he goes out and spends cash on something, she will claim that is a spendthrift. But, when she follows suit, the reason is that life is worth living to the fullest. 11) The partner does not know how to say sorry. The woman does, but, it is just that there is never a reason to say it. 12) The partner has got to nurture the relationship. But, on the other hand, the woman is tired and needs her beauty sleep. Closure: Let it not be argued or mentioned that a man is more than a woman because the opposite is the case. Women have more brains, are funnier and have a much better sense of fashion and humane characteristics. All I have done above is pointed out some of our female oddities, and such have not degraded women, but rather empowered them.

Bin Laden Releases Another Audiotape: Hideout Too Dark For Video

Apparently, unable to contain his enthusiasm for bumming out the relatively nice and unsuspecting folks who make up much of the Western World, the misinformed medievalist has released another drearily threatening audiotape. Since the combined political, military, and intelligence resources of the civilized world cannot locate the potato head, we suggest the audiotape be taken as an opportunity to arrest him. Here's how. Somebody buys the resourceful recluse a video camera and battery-powered lights. Since he long delighted to display his narcissistic self and give voice to his lamentable disjunction with informed thought, we assume that either he is not currently in possession of a video camera or that he is hunkered down in a hideout that is too dark to shoot anything but firearms. It cannot be that he is afraid a video will reveal his location, because he always has the option of hanging the same kind of chintzy curtain behind him that his original second in medieval misguidance, Aman al-Zawahiri, uses when he comes out of the cave long enough for his eyes to adjust to the light to make an inflammatory video, with, we’ve noticed, production values that are on about the same level as a commercial for a discount chain that’s struggling to get foothold in a Mexican border town. The only condition is, upon receipt of the equipment, OBL has to agree to make a video about directions to his hideout. To prolong his short-lived celebrity, he can even deliver it in installments. The media will be wild for it. We do not know why he will not accept this opportunity for the worldwide display of his long-cramped ego, because, at last report, he only had four wives, and, if he believes his own deadly dumb preachments, after he goes to the paradise of his overheated and woefully misguided imagination, he can have twenty-seven virgins. Of course, we must interject that any man with four wives who would contemplate having twenty-seven virgins as a good time has done very little reflection on what it’s really like to have four mates and has exceedingly little experience with virgins. He needn’t be excessively concerned about these impossible complications, however, because, as linguistic analysis has sometime ago revealed, the Arabic word for virgin may also mean grape, depending on whether or not it occurs with a grave. It appears that, in the particular context in which he has applied it to assure the ready suicide of fellow but somewhat more imbecilic emanations from The Dark Ages, the meaning is 27 grapes. So the mad, mad Muslims slammed into our World Trade Center – which was, in fact, a mutual treasure of the human race, erected to facilitate worldwide economic competence and development – and incinerated nearly three thousand of our beloved, hard-working and comparatively normal people did it to reap imaginary rewards they could have picked up at a fruit market. Meanwhile, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, his lackey who’s not an Iraqi, did his boss in absentia one better. Spiffily attired in black as a cool enemy of humanity, he rattled on with the same ill-informed drivel he and his mentor have both become wanted for, even by their own people. Ah, what a toll we must pay for the deadly duo of ignorance and backwardness! Witness the unconscionable bombing in the Egyptian resort of Dahab, apparently timed to follow OBL’s latest audio-only pontification. How do people who have no feeling for their fellow human beings expect anyone to do anything but excoriate and execute them? Somebody ought to tell them that fellow-feeling is actually the major sentiment that makes the human race worthy of its own continuance upon this blessed but blighted earth. As for OBL, when will some real-life Indiana Jones find out where he is hiding, so we can finally give the misguided pest his overdue rest?

Are You Looking For Quality Comedy Entertainment?

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1. ComedySportz is funny improvisation played as a sport. It is excellent entertainment for people of all ages.

2. Two teams improvise while acting out scenes, games, and songs as they compete for points and laughes from the audience. There are referees who monitor play and the National Anthem is played before every game. The winning team is chosen by the audience who takes a vote.

3. ComedySportz is modeled after the comedy show, Theatersports by Keith Johnson. The comedy version was born in 1984 by Dick Chudnow.

4. You can find this comedy show in cities throughout the United States including: Spokane, Chicago, Indianapolis, Richmond, Dallas, and New York. They also do shows in the United Kingdom and Ireland.

5. Because this comedy show is clean, funny, interactive and positive it is a great show for the entire family.

6. ComedySportz performs well over 2000 shows on the road ever year. They do shows for colleges, corporate events, churches and fundraising groups.

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ComedySportz offers comedy, fun, healthy competition and opportunities for self improvement.

Proof Tax Laws Faulty: 9 Out Of 10 Americans Set To Declare Bankruptcy

As the distribution of wealth in America becomes increasingly skewed toward the wealthiest 7% or so of the population, where we find more and more resplendently bedecked billionaires, the income of the other 93% of the populace continues to go the way of wealthiest. The growing destitution of this significant segment of the population has now become so acute that the majority of Americans are all set to declare bankruptcy. Appropriately concerned, since we remember the Aristotelian analysis that the stability of a state depends on a the middle class – in case ancient sage’s segmentation has dropped out of the back of your mental file cabinet, he avers, it turns out a bit too generally, that the poor have no material stake in the society and the wealthy are too taken up with whooping it up – we ask, why is it ever more possible for the few to accumulate billions, while the many grow more insolvent? There is, of course, the much reverenced idea that the race is to the quick and we’re lucky to have the energetic entrepreneurs, CEO’s, and various early adapters and assorted scammers, because, in the process of accumulating their wealth, they do throw off some shekels for the needy multitude. Yet one does still persistently wonder about the current upward drift of pay dirt. As a result of our cursory demographic analysis of the distribution of assets and debt, we arrive at the conclusion that the tax code is evidently flawed. If every billionaire who’s gleefully accumulating his or her way to the status of multibillionaire was also required, while clenching legally onto some few billions as a just reward for expertise of one sort or another, to pay billions in taxes, the government would be well-enough provided for without taking a pair of Draco’s shears to the transparently taxable paycheck of the average Joe or Jan. Further evidence of that the tax code is not proportionate to the ability to earn is, while someone who earns billions makes headlines, if even anybody ever paid billions in taxes, he or she would make history. In conclusion, it’s time to set up the tax laws so the quick who earn their billions will pay proportionate billions and the beleaguered average wage earners can step back from the brink of bankruptcy. The revision requires little change in lifestyle at the high end and presents rejuvenating rewards to the middling low end. After all, what is the difference between the life a person can have with a mere billion or so to fling around or keep under the floorboards compared with the one he or she can have with many more billions? On the other hand, there is quite a sumptuous difference between how one can live when he or she is making the usual $40,000 to $50,000 a year while their much revered but feared Uncle Sam is standing by with his big hand at the ready for a scoop of what is, in today’s calculation of monetary splendor, hardly more than necessitous chump change.

Stop Needling Me!

Sometimes it's possible to accomplish something important by doing nothing at all. Well, actually, I did do something. I resisted. I think that counts. Here's my story. Many of my friends have been getting pierced and tattooed for years. It's huge. Every neighborhood has at least one bodypiercing/bodyart place. Seems like they outnumber taverns these days. Naturally, they want me in on it. "C'mon Mike," they say. "It's fun! It's addictive! What? Are you afraid of needles? The pain feels good! And when it's over, you have something to show for it!" I find myself looking less and less like my friends because I'm not a human signboard for little animals, death, and calligraphic text. To compound the situation, I don't pick up the light in every room, reflecting off little pieces of metal everywhere. (And I do mean everywhere!) But I have a secret to share. I'll get to that shortly. While they've been spending their paychecks on this hoopla, I've been quietly satisfied with myself, exactly as I am. I'm not suggesting my friends do it out of insecurity. Some do, obviously, but many got started because their parents told them not to. I'm no momma's boy, but I'd like to know what kind of a reason is that? People are not packrats. OK, that's not true. I am a packrat. I keep way too much stuff. But that's not really what I mean. I'm talking about the fact that packrats are known to trade an item in their pack for ever-shinier objects. I do it too, but the one that kicks me is how my friends trade fifty dollar bills for yet another shiny piece of metal, or yet another patch of scribbled skin. Now, before anyone thinks I'm complaining, let me point out that I believe in freedom to choose, and if that makes them happy, I'm not going to stop them. What? Like they'd listen to me? I'm the prude with no tattoo, remember? How would I know what it's like? From my point of view, I don't need to find out. I don't think it's necessary to be a slave to the idea of trying everything once. Some things I don't feel the need to try. Lately, some of my friends have found that their obsession is working against them. I'm still single with no kids, but many of my friends are either married or are single parents. And that's where the difficulty comes in. Some of my friends have kids that are between six and nine years old. About that age, kids start noticing their parents a little more as people. They look at them differently than they did when they were infants. Mostly, because kids grow up incredibly fast today. Much faster than when we were kids, so they notice things quicker too. Lately what they've been noticing is mom and dad's tattoos and piercings. A woman at work told me just last week that she has no idea how to convince her nine-year-old daughter why she won't take her to the parlor and get her tongue pierced, "just like mommy." So here's my secret. I have resisted tattoos and piercing because I believe in being a natural person. I think the metal and the ink only serve to detract from the outer beauty of my friends and it does nothing to enhance their inner person. So I see no reason to use my body for someone's canvas. Friends can be so myopic. They don't want to see their kids all boogered up because they see their kids as beautiful exactly as they are, but they hold themselves to a double standard. They continue to encourage me to get some bodyart and I continue to resist. Why am I such a holdout? Do I really fear the needle? No, of course not. I'm the one who used to play with clothing pins and sewing needles, pushing them through the tops of my knuckles like a juvenile Freddy Krueger. I also used to do the infamous sewing-needle-shoved-through-the-flexed-arm trick. The difference is, it was just play to me, and I wasn't trying to make a fashion statement. I simply have a philosophy that says a person needs to stick to their values and not give in to peer pressure. Piercing and tattoos have led my friends to nothing but empty pocketbooks and hard questions from their kids. Maybe I'll go to work one day with needles through all my fingers like I did in school. That'll show 'em!

Iraqi Insurgents In Secret Talks; Admit May Be Fighting Wrong Enemy

Iraqi insurgent groups, in secret talks with resourcefully pacifying President Jalal Talabani, admitted they may have been fighting the wrong enemy. Upon hearing the admission, President Talibani slapped his forehead so hard he fell over backwards and was unconscious for approximately three days. Upon being resuscitated, he continued the talks. Apparently, the insurgents, most of whom are Sunni Muslims, have slowly begun to realize that American and coalition troops, who they have been making their best efforts to kill, may not be the real enemy. It seems they are also growing disenchanted with the practice of blowing up a dozen or so of their fellow countrymen every day. While it is far too soon to expect them to realize that coalition troops are actually the helpful heroes who liberated their country from murderous despotism and will be delighted to depart their sandy realm as soon as they can get their act together and run their own country, the groups have indicated a marginal willingness to consider giving up their various armaments and roadside explosives. Behind the change in their sentiment seems to be, not only their longtime-overdue displeasure with dismembering their own nation, but the realization that they are dangerously bordered by their traditional enemy, Iran, as they have been for quite a few thousand years, and that, because of the continuing discord, Iran has managed to increase its influence in the country, particularly among their uneasy Mosque fellows, the Shiite contingent of the legions of Mohammed. This perception is especially upsetting to the insurgents, because, as noted above, most of them are rival Sunni “Mosque-ovites.” Their infuriatingly slow realization of the error of their ways is likely to elicit hardly more than ironic displeasure from the many families, coalition and Iraqi alike, who have lost loved ones during their misguided rampage. But at least their willingness to talk and to consider mending their detonative ways is a glimmer of hope for the families whose sons and daughters are still in Iraq, attempting to do the right thing by the Iraqi people, Sunni and Shiite alike. May the day soon come when enough of the knuckleheads realize the error of their war so we and the other nations that are in the hot sands we’ve gotten ourselves into can finally get our much underappreciated troops the heck out of there.

Met Meets Greece's Request; Returns Ancient Toilet Seats

The Metropolitan Museum of Art, having recently agreed to return one of the finest vases in its collection from the Classical Age of Ancient Greece, has also consented to return the collected toilet seats from the ancient Cretan port city of Ephesus. The decision has come as a welcome relief to the Greek tourist board, whose embarrassed guides annually answer the same question that tourists ask approximately a thousand times a day. The innocent travelers behold the long cement benches with curious holes that grace an area of their walking tour. Philippe de Montebello, Director of the Metropolitan Museum, stated, “I felt returning the priceless vase was the correct step for us to take. It was a pirated item, and I dress far too nattily to be imagined with a piratical patch over one eye. As far as the return of the toilet seats is concerned, we had kept them in storage, because space at the Met is limited, particularly in regard to items I personally prefer not to put on display. So, hearing about the plight of the tour guides, I decided that shipping these less-than-priceless thrones back to Greece is the thoughtful thing to do.” Tour guides cheered the decision. It remains to be determined if the Greek government will consent to put one on display at Ephesus or will, as the Met did, insist on keeping them private.

Clever Mayor Roy Nagen: Has Runoff Election With White Guy Who Looks Just Like Roy Himself

We wouldn’t even hazard a guess at the odds against such a outcome, but the runoff election in New Orleans looks about as bizarre as anything you’re likely to see even in the Mardi Gras. Roy Nagen, the Mr. Malaprop of mayoral politics, who alienated white voters when he voiced the proud hope of making the city, in the wake of Katrina, “chocolate again,” has gotten himself caught up in a runoff election with a white guy, Lieutenant Governor Mitch Landrieu, who, at least to us, looks just like a paler version of Roy himself. Answer the following true or false questions: Do both gentlemen shave their heads? Do both have similarly round faces? Do both of their ears curve the same way? Are their noses amazingly similar? So what’s going on here? Is clever Roy actually both candidates? Could he have asked Michael Jackson for advice on how he might transform himself into a whiter shade of Roy? As the saying goes, if it walks like a bird from the bayou and it talks like a bird from the bayou, it must be a bird from the bayou. All we can say is, may the best man win, especially if the two candidates are different men.

Why

Many articles supply answers, but here I do not. Here, I ask the questions. If you want to rack your brains for finding the answers to these life conundrums. But, I warn you. Beware. These are not easy, and though somewhat hilarious and funny, they are real and true to life. Should I begin? Ok, here I go: 1) How come Tarzan has no bears even though he grows up with wolves in the jungle? 2) Why does glue not stick to the insides of the tube or can that it comes in? 3) Why do they use sterile injections when executing someone who is condemned to death? 4) Why do we press down harder and harder or the remote controls even though we know that the batteries are low? 5) Why is it that when someone hits us in the ankles with his supermarket trolley and then appologizes, do we say that everything is ok? I mean, things are not really fine. Why is it that we do not say that it hurts? 6) Why is it that whatever the color of the bath soap, the bubbles are always white? 7) Why is it that you will never find a day when mattresses are not on sale? 8) Why is it that online casinos always offer big prize money for their tournaments but never reveal the real name of the winner after the competition is over? 9) If human beings evolved from monkeys, why is it that there still are monkeys? 10) Why did the Japanese Kamikaze pilots wear helmets during the second World War? 11) Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest but, then, duck when the empty gun is thrown at him. 12) Why do banks charge a commission when you go into debt even though they know that there is no money in that account? 13) Why do people go back again and again to the refrigerator hoping that something new to eat will appear there? 14) Why do people move their vacuum cleaner over a thin thread lying on the floor, bend down, pick it up, examine it, and then, place it on the floor again and move the vacuum over it again? 15) Why do people believe it when they are told that there are more than four billion stars, but when they see a sign that says wet paint, they have to touch and check? 16) Why does a plastic bag not open at the end where you first try to open it? 17) Why do you never hear jokes about father in laws? 18) Why are there dead insects inside enclosed electric lamps? 19) Why is it that in winter we try and keep the house as warm as it was during the summer when back in the summer we hated the heat? 20) Why is it that every time you try and catch something that is about to fall off the table, you always hit something else and drop that instead? Conclusion: Life has many oddities and conundrums: some funny, some less. I have mentioned but a few. Think of more? Send them to me.